1. Posted: June 26, 2018In:

    In the world of Remnant, the Faunus face oppression, deportation and subjugation at the hands of humanity. After a young Sienna Khan’s ambitious miners revolt ended in calamity she was pulled from the ruins by Kali of the resistance and her childhood friend, Ghira. With humanities war against the Faunus entering a new stage with Dr Merlot’s terrible machines of war, these young heroes may end up being all that stands between their people and being consigned to certain doom on Menagerie.

    dpg Singularity

    As CraigDGriffiths said,? the logline is lost in the 1st act.? I have no idea what the plot is.? Simplify, simplify.And loglines for fictional stories do not include the names of characters.? More important than character names are defining characteristics.

    As CraigDGriffiths said,? the logline is lost in the 1st act.? I have no idea what the plot is.? Simplify, simplify.

    And loglines for fictional stories do not include the names of characters.? More important than character names are defining characteristics.

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  2. Posted: June 26, 2018In:

    In the distant future: When a naive teen joins the army, his over-protective biker brother must enlist, go through the harsh training, and find the boy so that he can get him out before they’re sent to battle against nightmarish aliens.

    dpg Singularity

    Agree with Nir Shelter.? The logic just doesn't seem to add up.And somebody has to fight the aliens.? It is a worthwhile cause -- isn't it?? With the naive teen there's the potential for a positive character arc? as he matures in a battle ready fighter.? What's the positive character arc for his oveRead more

    Agree with Nir Shelter.? The logic just doesn’t seem to add up.

    And somebody has to fight the aliens.? It is a worthwhile cause — isn’t it?? With the naive teen there’s the potential for a positive character arc? as he matures in a battle ready fighter.? What’s the positive character arc for his over-protective brother?

    I, for one, would be more interested in a story naive kid who enlists to fight for a noble cause in spite of the odds, in spite of his over-protective brother.

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  3. Posted: June 26, 2018In:

    When a top assassin falls for her latest target, she must switch from killer to bodyguard to stay alive long enough to turn the tables.

    dpg Singularity

    >>>She takes the contract but after researching her new target, and accidentally getting into a speed dating event with him, she concludes he?s not a bad guy, but is in fact quite nice. I applaud the choice to make the protagonist a woman.? My point is it would? be more dramatically interesRead more

    >>>She takes the contract but after researching her new target, and accidentally getting into a speed dating event with him, she concludes he?s not a bad guy, but is in fact quite nice.

    I applaud the choice to make the protagonist a woman.? My point is it would? be more dramatically interesting? –even for a comedy — if it were not such a “flippant” reversal.? The speed date should sow a seed of doubt and indecision.? Then the story should take the time to let the seed germinate and grows in stages — in a sequence of scenes..? First, she comes to realize he’s a good guy, doesn’t deserve to be executed.? Gradually she comes to realize that? he’s not only an okay guy, but that she’s in love with him.

    Your story hook is that she flips roles and goals.? Plant it, develop it, tease it out, then pay it off.? To apply a gross male metaphor about a female character: don’t shoot your wad, the story hook and central conceit of your premise, in? one or two scenes.

    Switching roles should be a hard decision.? And hard decisions are always ones characters put off until the plot forces them to decide.? In her case there needs to be a credible, compelling reason why initially she MUST kill him.

    fwiw

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