1. Posted: November 27, 2017In:

    In a dystopian future, when reaching ‘working age,’ teenage rebel defys his destiny set by a leading class oppressors and will fight for living life his own way, even if it means death.

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    dpg Singularity

    This reads like a generic kids-flipping-the-finger-and-rebelling-against-repressive-adult-authority trope of the coming of age genre.? What this logline lacks, what it needs, is a particular hook, a specific and unique take on the trope. As was the the case, for example, with the "Hunger Games" andRead more

    This reads like a generic kids-flipping-the-finger-and-rebelling-against-repressive-adult-authority trope of the coming of age genre.? What this logline lacks, what it needs, is a particular hook, a specific and unique take on the trope. As was the the case, for example, with the “Hunger Games” and “Divergent” franchises, for instance, both set in dystopian futures.

    ?

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  2. Posted: November 23, 2017In:

    After being framed for the murder of two policemen, Peter, an inocent man with a criminal past, must fight to get his daughter back while running away from the revenge-driven police force and the angered population of the town that has been conditioned by the media to see him as a monster.

    dpg Singularity

    gmffr:I'll have to think about it.? ?And I probably see the plot differently than you.For example, I assume? that you? have dramatically justified his need to "steal" his daughter from his ex. That is, because she's a lousy mother.? Not just lousy, but abusive.Whatever. The audience must believe thaRead more

    gmffr:

    I’ll have to think about it.? ?And I probably see the plot differently than you.

    For example, I assume? that you? have dramatically justified his need to “steal” his daughter from his ex. That is, because she’s a lousy mother.? Not just lousy, but abusive.

    Whatever. The audience must believe that it is better for the daughter to be with him than with her.? Especially since it’s his daughter, not his son.? Otherwise,? you don’t have a protagonist an audience will root for. Which mean the script is DOA.

    So I suggest building the backbone of the plot (and logline) around the goal of “stealing” his daughter as a rescue mission, to rescue her from an?bad mother.

    But there are these nagging complications:? he’s an ex-con, and is on the lam for murderers he didn’t commit.

    My? takeaway is that a plot about a ex-con trying to rescue his kid is more compelling, more marketable than an ex-con trying to outrun the police.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: November 26, 2017In:

    this hour long dramatic comedy will follow a lesbian Native American Indian who found refuge in the city that never sleeps after being exiled from her reservation not only due to her sexuality, but for having a child out of wedlock…

    dpg Singularity

    Mil:As I said, I think you have an interesting character combined with an dramatically compelling predicament, key ingredients for a successful series.? (BTW:? what tribe have you decided to associate her with? That you intend to dispatch her to New York City suggests one of the eastern tribes.)I suRead more

    Mil:

    As I said, I think you have an interesting character combined with an dramatically compelling predicament, key ingredients for a successful series.? (BTW:? what tribe have you decided to associate her with? That you intend to dispatch her to New York City suggests one of the eastern tribes.)

    I suggest focusing on the logline for the pilot episode.? Because that is the make or break episode for selling the series to the network.? They want to read a script for a pilot episode gripping enough to hook a large audience’s attention and make them want to tune in next week to see what happens next.

    In my book, a gold standard pilot episode is the one for “Breaking Bad”.? I? highly recommend it for studying.? A logline for the pilot episode could be : When a? milquetoast? (character flaw) chemistry teacher is diagnosed with terminal cancer (inciting incident), he starts cooking crystal meth to provide for his family after his death (objective goal).

    All the wild? plot developments, crazy characters, and complications? for the critically acclaimed, popular series flow from what Walter White decides to do as a result of that inciting incident.

    A suggestion: why not develop the pilot episode (and logline) around her “character flaw” (in the context of her culture — I don’t mean that pejoratively; I’m using the term generically to define the primary source of her conflict with her tribe) and the inciting incident that sends her fleeing the reservation.? The episode ends with the cliff hanger beat of her fleeing the reservation.? We know she’s headed for the Big Apple.? What happens next? How will a country girl survive on the mean streets of the city?? How will she solve all the problems created by her pregnancy?

    Tune in next week to find out.

    I know I would want to tune in next week to find out. Best wishes with your story.

    fwiw

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