A homeless man combating substance abuse dedicates his battle with HIV to his brother who allegedly died in the Iraq war. His efforts are guided and nourished by the unrivaled generosity of a female passerby who seeks to help him out from week to week — but as time grows and grows, so does his reliance on her.

It seems to me that the logline is burdened with too much detail and lacks a dramatic focus.? A logline should be a simple statement of the core premise driving the plot, not all the particular conflicts and complications in the back seat, on top of, and in the trunk of the dramatic vehicle.?

Further, a plot should have an unity of action; that is, everything the protagonist struggles to do should be framed by one overarching objective goal.? Not two or three. Just one.? A logline should be a statement of that singular overarching objective goal. What is that singular objective goal?

What is your core premise?? What is the singular, central “What if….?” that inspired the story idea?? What is your story really about?

Also what is his brother “allegedly” dying in Iraq supposed to mean?? Did he or didn’t he?? And what differences does it make NOW in terms of his present struggle against HIV?? Again what is the core premise, the unity of action:? fighting HIV in the present or finding the truth of what happened in Iraq in the past?