A fledgling detective pursues a serial killer who killed her mother, getting assistance from beyond the grave, but is overwhelmed by panic attacks when she gets too close.
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A fledgling detective pursues a serial killer who killed her mother, getting assistance from beyond the grave, but is overwhelmed by panic attacks when she gets too close.
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A rookie detective pursues a serial killer only to suffer crippling panic attacks whenever she’s on the verge of apprehending him.
(21 words)
Notes:
Rookie is the usual term in police work, not fledgling.
“Getting assistance from beyond the grave”? –? others’? may have a different reaction,? but?this strikes me as a? crutch?that weakens the character and?cheapens the plot.? Why? ?Because in effect, it implies she’s not good enough?to play with the?Big Boys, to?solve the case by her own wits. ? IMHO, she should have?to solve the case the old fashioned way, earning every clue by her own effort and intelligence — no supernatural cheat sheets.
“who killed her mother” –? I suggest it not be the original motivation, the inciting incident, but rather a mid-story catastrophe/setback, her Dark Hour of the Soul moment.? From which she must rally, double down on the risks she is taking, overcome the panic attacks and?(finally) get her man.
fwiw.
I like the idea of ghostly assistance. Depends how you write it. The cop could be tormented or happy with the ghosts. Lots of dramatic scope. Do they leave after the crime is solved, does this cause an issue with a third act twist?
Try to say why the panic attacks. You may find you don’t need it. If they are just another flaw rather than an actual story motivator drop them.
Post another version as a comment below. Would be interested to read it.
I think the ghostly help is counterproductive for the reasons cited.??And I’ll throw out another reason derived from? E.M. Forster’s durable classic “Aspects of the Novel”.?? What he says about writing novels? is applicable to screenwriting. The chapter on plotting is filled with nuggets of pure gold for screenwriters.
What is a logline?? Answer:? a logline is a summary of the plot.
What is a plot? Per E.M.?Forster, a plot is a conspiracy against the protagonist.
In order to achieve his?goal, the protagonist must overcome the opposing?goal of?a host?of opponents and obstacles, that goal being to?defeat and destroy the protagonist.
In this logline, the “panics attacks” is part of the conspiracy to defeat and destroy the detective.? That’s good.? But having?the benefit of “ghostly clues” is a conspiracy to help the detective. Which is contrary to the purpose of a plot.
That’s why I think it vitiates the plot, dilutes suspense, weakens the character, and cheapens the detective’s eventual (I presume) success.
Exception:? if the serial killer also has access to ghostly or supernatural powers?(if that’s?the real cause of the ?panic attacks, for example) ?then I have no problem with ghostly help — as long as it appears that the serial killer has a winning edge, ?more potent supernatural resources? to draw upon than the detective.
?But there’s nothing in the logline that explicitly confers that?resource on the serial killer as it does for the benefit of the?detective.
fwiw.