Samurai
Posted: 2016-06-04T17:07:58+10:00 In:

Stranded in enemy space, when a tyrannical federation’s mothership seizes his father’s company car, a fickle teen must retrieve it and return home on Earth before his father starts his new job.

Grounded In Space

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    5 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      Looks like all of the bases are covered, but it raises the question…Is the company car for his dad’s new job? Or his previous job, and it needs to be returned before he can move on to the new job?

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    2. Singularity

      That’s all that is at stake, at risk, his father not being able to get to his new job? ?For a story set in outer space — in enemy outer space, no less — couldn’t the stakes be higher?

      Also, I suggest rethinking the phrase “tyrannical federation”. ?Given the definition of the word “federation”,?it seems like a contradiction.

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    3. Singularity

      It’s not the mother ship that that seizes the car rather the tyrannical alien ship captain. In this instance it would be better to specify and antagonist that does the bad thing.

      But as the others have mentioned above, the stakes are not high enough or the “problem” (as McKee would put it) doesn’t sound story worthy. If there is an intergalactic war going on, why not make the boy or his father or both need to fight the bad guys to stop or win the war?

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    4. Logliner

      I found this confusing. ?Here’s why. ?He’s stranded in space when the aliens take the car. ?Got it. ?But then he has to retrieve it? ?Isn’t he already with it? ?If he’s not with the car, is this movie about getting the car back? ?Or if he is with the car, is this movie about escaping with the car? ?One’s a journey, the others an escape.

      I’m guessing the hero is out joyriding in his Daddy’s car, get’s abducted, and then has to escape the aliens with the car in tact. ?Am I wrong?

      Also you’ve listed this as an adventure. ?This seems like a comedy.

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    5. Samurai

      I like the premise, it seems to suggest a wacky comedy/adventure, like Bill and Ted or something like that. So my feedback is a bit different-

      I think what you are probably trying to do is mashing up a mundane task (teenager trying to recover dad’s car) with a big interstellar space conflict. So his ostensibly mundane task with low stakes ends up becoming something much bigger- saving the galaxy (and then recovering or not recovering the car at the very end.)

      So you want to convey that in your logline, while still retaining the comedic aspects and tone. So something like this (but smoother)-

      “When his father’s company car is seized by a tyrannical federation?s mothership stranded in enemy space, a fickle teen must team up with a fearsome?alien commander?to not only retrieve the car but also to?prevent?an all-our inter-galactic?war that will destroy Earth.”

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