Izzy Concannon: Rogue, outlaw, lost Terran, finds herself on a doomed vessel hunting the last of the mad battleships in deep space.
LCthulouPenpusher
Izzy Concannon: Rogue, outlaw, lost Terran, finds herself on a doomed vessel hunting the last of the mad battleships in deep space.
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Unless your character is a real person of history or a well known IP you almost always leave the character name out. We don’t know who Lizzy Concannon is so that name means nothing to us. Besides that, this isn’t really much of a logline. Finds herself? How? What is the inciting incident that drove her onto the vessel?
The last of the mad battleships? There were more? What does that personally have to do with her? This all feels very disconnected. Have a look at the training tab on the top of this webpage for some good tips and instructions on constructing a logline. Hope this helps.
I agree with Moses99.
I just want to add that Mad Battleships makes my mind’s eye picture a fleet of Battleships run by AI, along the lines of HAL 9000.
I do have a few questions:
Is she part of a crew?
Is she happy to be there?
What happens when they/she finds it?
Whats at stake for her (internal/external)?
‘Before she’s allowed to return to earth and her daughter a “hunter ” must take her failing ship and destroy the last autonomous battleship’
A bit wordy, but has stakes, and a clear story. Probably not yours. ?Hope this help.
You haven’t give us the ‘Why’ in your logline. Why must she hunt this mad battleship
Also, you haven’t give us ‘Stakes’ what bad thing will happen if the lead character doesn’t succeed.
If you add those two elements to your logline will improve.
hope that helps, good luck with this
You can cut the first descriptions before “?finds herself?” as these, while descriptive, are less relevant to the concept in the logline. Pick one flaw and describe the character using it, instead of just throwing a bunch of adjectives at the reader.
Secondly, if indeed “..she finds her self?” then she is passive, good main characters need to be active – she needs an inciting incident to motivate her to take action. To that matter, good MCs need to be actively pursuing a goal, otherwise they become boring. If her goal is to destroy another ship, as Richiev pointed out, why she needs to do it and what is at stake are important. A lot of the reasoning and stakes can be explained, or at least setup, with?the inciting incident.
I agree with the above but also I think the “mad battleships” needs more …….. are the ships aware? Are the people manning them crazy? Can you think of a creative way to define the quest and make it more dramatic/dangerous? Why is she hunting them?