After he magically starts visualizing the desires of any female he touches, a girl-shy teen gets the chance to win his dream girl away from a Machiavellian bully.
LarsLogliner
After he magically starts visualizing the desires of any female he touches, a girl-shy teen gets the chance to win his dream girl away from a Machiavellian bully.
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Most stories should have a point where they?must complete their goal, a goal set by a specific event in the story, the inciting incident. If they don’t fulfill their goal there will be consequences.
Now, obviously for a comedy or low-stakes drama it is kind of just like, ‘so he doesn’t get the girl, so what?’ But there’s always something that should drive them, make the stakes feel like the world to the character, and to the audience.
And that is why I think the inciting incident you chosen doesn’t work for this story. Maybe in a slight variation, but in this, the only thing I think is, ‘so what? Why do I want to root for someone trying to ruin someone else’s happiness, even if they are a bully?’
Acquiring magical powers is simply too broad, there are so many different things it could motivate someone to do. But an inciting incident should be specific, it should have a clear connection to the goal that is formed.
Why?does Luke decide to fight against the Empire? Because after they killed his family, he has nothing left. Only the opportunity to do fulfill his dream of being more than just a farm boy.
Why does Peter Parker decide to become Spider-man and fight crime? Because had he used his uncle’s teachings before, he would’ve stopped the man who killed him.
Their powers are just the tools they use to achieve that goal. Now, maybe an example of the inciting incident being the bestowal of the powers might be if some evil scientist experimented on someone and now that person uses their power to get revenge. That creates a clear motivation.
I simply don’t think the inciting incident works for the particular story you want to tell.
Also, I think just ‘shy’ works. People know what shy means.
I hope this helps.
I’m going to “restrain myself” and say as little as possible (hah! as if!) until I re-view “What Women Want” which Lars has said is his model for this story.
“Except” to say that I think Dkpough1 ?does have a point that the kid needs “skin in the game”. ?Nick has skin in the game in ?”What Women Want”; he feels he has been injured, that he is the victim, a man who has been deprived of the promotion he deserves by a woman. It’s ?personal.
This version of the logline says his rival is a bully, but it doesn’t say the kid is the bully’s victim. The kid doesn’t seem to have any skin the game. ?It’s not personal between him and the bully.
(Also, why would the kid want a girl who hangs out with, who is attracted to a bully? ?That he would find desirable someone attracted to a boy with positive social status, like the star quarterback or captain of the basketball team, yes. ?That’s obvious — ?but to a girl who hangs with a bully? Actually, I don’t think that has to be a problem if you’ve properly worked out his motivation, but some logline readers might stumble over that. Just saying.)
How about:
When a hapless teen starts visualizing what girls really desire after being brutally beaten up by the school bully, he uses the ‘inside information’ to steal the bully’s girlfriend.
(29 words)
The irony being that as ?a result of the brutal beating he suddenly acquires the magic.
And how about making the bullying into a running gag? ?That is, have the magic wear off at the end of every day, say after he falls asleep. ?He realizes he has to keep being beaten up by the bully to get the magic back, so he can figure out how to steal her.
?
fwiw
You may not like it but at least “steal his girl” ?is a specific goal. ?It has obvious visuals. And it’s what he wants to accomplish, isn’t it? ?Isn’t that the end result of “winning her heart”?
On the other hand, “take on the scheming bully” isn’t specific. ?It’s vague. ?What exactly, specifically, precisely does that mean? ?What’s the visual on “take on” that clues the audience that he has succeeded?
And there is nothing in that statement to indicate that his intention is to get the girl. And that is really what he wants, isn’t it? ?If so, then “take on” — however that translates into action — is merely a means to that end, to that objective goal.
” i think you?re saying I need to raise the stakes”
Not necessarily. But while experiencing a story even low stakes should feel like their huge. A great example is the Marvel Netflix series. While the Avengers are up there in their tower saving the world, the Defenders are fighting for a single city, a single building, one person. But while watching the stakes feel as personal and monumental in both cases.
“do you mean the inciting incident = the acquisition of the power”
I meant the power, the one in this version of the logline. It doesn’t work because it doesn’t have a complete, clear connection to the goal your protagonist sets. Sure, it’s logical, but if you were to look at it backward, ask “Why does he want to steal the girl?” Then “because he gets magic powers” doesn’t have the causal relationship an inciting incident should.
Looking at the other examples, the same thing happens.
“What Women Want”
Goal: ?To steal his job back.
Why?
Because he can hear what women think.
Again, it makes sense, but it doesn’t create a clear motivation. Why he?has to steal his job back. Not how he?can, but must.
Why?must he? Because she stole it from him, he deserved it!
DPG’s version works because it combines the two, the inciting incident is him getting his powers, because of an event that motivates him. I also think the gag idea is excellent. I
I hope this helps.
As Dpough1 correctly noted, my version rolls up ?both plot elements — the bullying and the magic — into the inciting incident. ?It’s a twofer, a two for one.
>>>>because it doesn?t explain that the power directly results from the beating.
It doesn’t have to. ?There is no rational explanation for how Nick acquires his magic ability to hear what women think after being shocked by electricity. ?None is offered in the movie, right?
It’s just happens.
And ?the movie gets away with it because in the 1st Act, and only in the 1st Act, ?the audience is willing to suspend disbelief, to allow you to set up any kind of deviation from reality the story needs.
I have idea, no explanation for how the teen acquires the magic as a result of being thrashed by the bully. The story doesn’t need to have a pseudo-rational explanation. ?It just needs to have the magic happen.
So maybe, add the word “mysterious”
When a hapless teen ?mysteriously starts to visualize what girls really desire after being brutally beaten up by the school bully…
I am speechless.
?
Don’t’ forget to include the bully as the aggressive agent in the inciting incident to explain why the teen goes after his girlfriend.
So, something like
When a brutal beating by the school bully causes a hapless teen to start visualizing what girls really desire, he uses the ?inside information? to steal the bully?s girlfriend.
Again, we don’t know how it causes the visualization. ?It just does — part of the magic.
Anyway, ?I think this is a winner, a movie I want to see. ?Which is why I give the concept a thumbs up vote.
Best wishes with your story.?
“Do you agree, or do you think a logline without an explicitly stated inciting incident is a no no.”
Personally I don’t think a logline absolutely needs an inciting incident. There’s actually a thread DPG started where we discussed it in detail.
To me, the most important parts are: 1) Hook 2)Characters 3)Plot/goal 4)Inciting incident.
As long as you have the hook, dangling out there in the logline, and it is concisely written and conveys some sense of the plot, it is debatable whether an inciting incident is necessary.
As for??After he starts hearing what women think a chauvinist ad exec gets the chance to steal back his job from a female rival??it’s a bit different because it does imply the inciting incident. But it puts the hook front and center, and it actually offers a clear reason, due to his chauvinistic nature: How could a mere woman deserve the job more than him?
I hope this helps.