To save her people from extinction, a nanotech-specialist and her ultra-robot are sent to seek natives for gene-samples in a terrifying jungle, where they face a dangerous super-intelligence.
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To save her people from extinction, a nanotech-specialist and her ultra-robot are sent to seek natives for gene-samples in a terrifying jungle, where they face a dangerous super-intelligence.
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Your first half:
To save her people from extinction, a researcher and her robot seek gene-samples from natives of a terrifying jungle…….
reads really well.
The second half “……where they face a dangerous super-intelligence” how does that RELATE to your Inciting Incident?
Your Goal “to save her people from extinction” is pretty clear. I’m just curious how does facing a superintelligence work out for the researcher? How does it fits into your scheme? What’s the catch?
What becomes her Goal then?
{Encountering this superintelligence becomes the inciting incident which begs for another goal}
The dangerous super-intelligence is the antagonist/main obstacle, which impedes the researcher to reach her goal. In the terrifying jungle it is hard to survive. That sounds enough for a good adventure, but the dangerous super-intelligence makes it even more difficult… spicy… it raises the stake and makes the story more interesting, because this is something new, in that case.
>>>> The plot is still unclear. So this superintelligence attacks her after she begins her research and wasn?t even known to humanity before any of this?
It has been known, but it has not been expected in that area (the jungle) because the gigantic, super-intelligent creature normally lives in the oceans.? The creature controls the clouds to uses them as memory, a fact that becomes clear later in the story. When the researcher in her robot wants to go down through the clouds, she gets shot down. Then her struggle begins. The fact, that creature wants something that is located in the jungle and which is something that the protagonist needs to reach her goal? is a secret which will be revealed during her ‘hero’s journey’.
I don’t want to type the entire synopsis here… is it allowed to post a dropbox link here, where you guys can download a one page synopsis?
BTW… I appreciate your constructive criticism very much… because creating a good logline is HELL !…haha
How about this?
To save her people from extinction, a researcher and her robot are sent to seek natives in a terrifying jungle, where they have to fight a dangerous super-intelligence, before they can get their gene-samples.
Does that make more sense? Sounds better, I think…
All right, here is my final version:
To save her people from extinction, a researcher and her robot seek endangered natives in a terrifying jungle, where they have to fight a dangerous super-intelligence, before they can get their desired gene-samples.
+ the synopsis:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/lik4goav6aceomr/CHAOS.pdf?dl=0
>>>To save her people from extinction
Extinction by what?? What is the source of the threat?
And what is? secret symmetry, the cause and effect relationship between the threat of extinction and the monster in the jungle?
I haven’t read the other comments on the thread so sorry if this is a repeat of anything that’s already been written.
I refer you to the ‘Formula’ tab on the top bar – read it, study it, learn to love it – it will help you if you let it.
Best to describe a plot with; a main character, event (or inciting incident) and goal – you start of this logline with the goal but don’t describe the event. Think of a logline as a quick way for a producer to experience the basic premise of your story, in other words, give them the plot critical elements in the order they would appear in the film – inciting incident, flawed main character, action, then goal.
So what’s putting her people in danger?
Last thing, try and avoid adjectives as much as possible, instead, let the combination of the elements in your logline make it clear to the reader just how “…terrifying…” or “…dangerous…” things are.