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A boy shaman begins training and must battle for his life with the vengeful Uncle who murdered his father.
Why must he battle for his life? The inciting incident ?seems to be his uncle murdering his father but his goal is seemingly just to battle for his life NOT seek retribution. It's a passive goal and a protagonist should be proactive. When you say "boy" how old are we talking here? 4 or 14? Boy is aRead more
Why must he battle for his life? The inciting incident ?seems to be his uncle murdering his father but his goal is seemingly just to battle for his life NOT seek retribution. It’s a passive goal and a protagonist should be proactive. When you say “boy” how old are we talking here? 4 or 14? Boy is a very loose term so I would consider being a bit more specific. Why is he a shaman? At the moment, if you remove that word the logline remains the same so why is it there?
What are the uncle’s motives? There’s a bit of a Hamlet thing going on here – is that intentional? The uncle’s motives need to be understandable even if the audience doesn’t approve – he can’t just be killing the father and trying to kill the son for the sake of it.
Ultimately, I think we need a bit more story here to understand what’s actually going on.
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See lessAfter stumbling into an enchanted theme park, an insecure girl must find a way to lead rival factions of imaginary characters in a revolt against the park?s delusional architect who thinks she is his long-lost love.
Slightly concerned about a delusional architect believing a young girl is his long-lost love... creepy! Any chance he believes she is his long-lost daughter and he built the park for her? Less creepy and adds a little sympathy for the antagonist which is always good! Can we give the girl an age too.Read more
Slightly concerned about a delusional architect believing a young girl is his long-lost love… creepy! Any chance he believes she is his long-lost daughter and he built the park for her? Less creepy and adds a little sympathy for the antagonist which is always good! Can we give the girl an age too… this would help me imagine her character better.
I feel like the inciting incident and the goal don’t quite tie up currently. To me, stumbling into an enchanted theme park sets up a goal of getting back to the real world (Alice in Wonderland). If the goal is to lead a rebellion and defeat the architect then the inciting incident must relate to that. Maybe she has to defeat the architect in order to escape.
I think you can probably cut out ” must find a way to lead rival factions of imaginary characters in a revolt” and just have “must lead the park’s inhabitants in a revolt”. Trims a few words although I do understand why you’ve done this.
Interesting idea though. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.
See lessAfter a bionic test leaves an island unresponsive, a company investigator and his friends come to see that the test have become weaponized automatically and cannot leave the island or it will destroy the planet.
This is unclear and very hard to understand. How could an Island be responsive in the first place, if it's a very large inanimate object? What has become weaponized? And what does weaponized mean? Nuclear? Biological? Chemical? Is the company investigator the MC? If so, what is he investigating andRead more
This is unclear and very hard to understand.
How could an Island be responsive in the first place, if it’s a very large inanimate object?
What has become weaponized? And what does weaponized mean? Nuclear? Biological? Chemical?
Is the company investigator the MC? If so, what is he investigating and why? What company does the investigator work for? Apple? Nike? A secret organization that experiments on whole Islands at a time?
Is the goal to stop the weaponized something? Or, is it to make the island responsive again (whatever that means)?
Clarity is key in a logline… and you should always describe a goal.
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