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When the Mafia takes over a small town cemetery, an underachieving gravedigger must unearth their criminal activity or end up six feet under.
It's an intriguing logline and I want to know more, but overall it's a little vague upon examination. There is a ticking time bomb of sorts. He needs to solve the mystery before he ends up underground himself, but it's unclear what that bomb is. For starters, does he have a week? A day? A month? He'Read more
It’s an intriguing logline and I want to know more, but overall it’s a little vague upon examination. There is a ticking time bomb of sorts. He needs to solve the mystery before he ends up underground himself, but it’s unclear what that bomb is. For starters, does he have a week? A day? A month? He’s obviously not on the run, so the stakes of the mafia wanting to dispatch him aren’t that strong at the moment. What is preventing him from going to the police. It needs to be more than he needs to get info first. Give him a stronger obstacle. You mentioned a girlfriend in one of the other reviews. Maybe she is what holds him back. If he tells, she goes to jail, so he needs to find a way to protect her first. Or if he tells, she’ll dump him. These are complete hypotheticals and may not have anything to do with your story, but hopefully it gets you to think about raising the stakes for the gravedigger.
And if the Mafia is taking over the cemetery, it seems they would hire their own people to handle the bodies even if they kept him on. Maybe he has to hide the bodies because he’s repaying a gambling debt or something. You’ve got your protagonist and antagonist and a vague sense of stakes, but what is the obstacle that prevents the gravedigger from reaching his goal. Simply telling the cops isn’t a particularly compelling goal. Again, bigger stakes.
Maybe something like:
To repay a debt, a small town gravedigger is forced to use his cemetery to cover up a series of Mafia murders, but when the police ask him to get the goods on the crime bosses, he has to work both sides of the coin to avoid prison or end up six feet under himself.
I know this probably has nothing to do with your story, but it raises the stakes for the gravedigger and presents him with a dilemma. . .an obstacle. And he has a goal – to stay alive and out of jail.
There is definitely something here and I’m intrigued, but I think it needs more specifics which isn’t easy in 50 words or less. I’m looking forward to seeing what you do with it. ?Good luck!
See lessa loser terrorist wants to go to heaven tries to find the bomb he lost to explode it.
What if you switched the stakes around? What if an Islamic terrorist changes religions, now in order to go to heaven he must find the bomb he lost in neutralize it instead.
What if you switched the stakes around?
See lessWhat if an Islamic terrorist changes religions, now in order to go to heaven he must find the bomb he lost in neutralize it instead.
EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT WOODY ALLEN AND A FEW THINGS I MADE UP – A nebbish Indian boy convinced he’s telepathically linked to Woody Allen learns critical life lessons from colorful characters when he embarks on an adventure to find Woody in NY
Fma: There is a difference between hooking someone on your story and being completely vague. A hook is something that raises interest, whether it's a twist on a well-trod trope, a cool new idea, or something. Simply being vague and withholding information is something completely different. Sure, NirRead more
Fma:
There is a difference between hooking someone on your story and being completely vague. A hook is something that raises interest, whether it’s a twist on a well-trod trope, a cool new idea, or something. Simply being vague and withholding information is something completely different. Sure, Nir Shelter asked for more information, but that’s because a logline is used to sell a concept to someone who with more money than you to make it into a film. They don’t want to take a risk on something that’s vague and they don’t know what they’re buying.
Now, on your actual logline, I don’t see a strong hook. Maybe you’re trying to use Woody Allen as a hook, but for me, as someone who doesn’t really watch comedy often, there’s nothing here that makes me think this is even particularly funny. What events actually take place on screen? I don’t know, and a producer wouldn’t either.
For an example, let’s look at Groundhog Day. The hook of that story is a(at the time) unique situation used to create comedy and drama, which is a man reliving the same day over and over. More recently, Edge of Tomorrow used the same hook, and in a nutshell it’s “Groundhog Day with aliens.(and Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt)” That’s a hook, something people want to see.
So basically, in response to your comment to Nir Shelter: yes, the audience for a logline, a tool used to sell a concept, would like to know. And no, they would not be hooked, would not be rushing to make this because they would be too busy asking questions to clarify.
As others have pointed out, you’ve posted many loglines with similar problems and don’t seem to take suggestions or focus on any one premise to improve it. So I suggest you focus on a single logline and premise using feedback you’ve received.
I hope this helps.
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