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An entrepreneurial high schooler begins selling sex toys to neighborhood parents to raise money for a car but when his kid sister is diagnosed with cancer, he turns it into a fundraising campaign – with an increasing number of his classmates – to pay for her treatments.
I agree with Nir.?For the story to?work in our current time it would have to be on the internet. As Nir said, sex toys are not perishables.?People don't need to buy them all the time. To get the turnover needed the character would need to sell online to a larger?community. Perhaps he could specialisRead more
I agree with Nir.?For the story to?work in our current time it would have to be on the internet. As Nir said, sex toys are not perishables.?People don’t need to buy them all the time. To get the turnover needed the character would need to sell online to a larger?community. Perhaps he could specialise in a specific kind of sex toy? What if he?makes a special product that no one else has? He is an entrepreneur after all.
Below I’ve broken your logline into the more standard format —
When his kid sister is diagnosed with cancer, an ?entrepreneurial high schooler sells sex toys to neighbourhood parents with the help of his classmates to raise money??for her treatments.
I think a lot of the elements are there. You have the?inciting incident – sister getting cancer. You have a main character – the entrepreneurial high schooler. Perhaps be more specific with this?high schooler??What’s his flaw? Is he a prude? Is he a jock? Why would sales of sex toys be hard for this character? He’s already an entrepreneur. Starting a business isn’t hard for him, so he must have a reasonable amount of confidence in himself.?You also need to communicate how dangerous the cancer is. Is it fatal? Is she going to die tomorrow or wither over the next ten years? The stakes are implied in the cancer but I think you need a ticking clock to get the tension going.? It’s open ended as it is now.
Which gets me thinking…is this for a 90 to 120 min movie? Or a TV series? I’m?picking up echoes of Breaking Bad.
See lessWhen an insecure screenwriter writing a screenplay about Al Capone is captured by Capone himself, he must escape the gangster’s clutches before he is tortured into writing a screenplay he hates and shot in the head.
What about a more contemporary story about a 2nd-tier, minor league?gangster, who idolizes Al Capone, who wants the screenwriter to produce a script for a reality series that will elevate him to the 1st tier, major leagues, will bring him the celebrity status? like Capone enjoyed? An updating of oneRead more
What about a more contemporary story about a 2nd-tier, minor league?gangster, who idolizes Al Capone, who wants the screenwriter to produce a script for a reality series that will elevate him to the 1st tier, major leagues, will bring him the celebrity status? like Capone enjoyed?
An updating of one of the premises of the classic movie?”Network”,? perhaps, but?maybe it’s time.
fwiw
See lessTrying to protect garden from carrot thieves, bakeries stoker get in trouble all his family against a gypsy smuggler.
I'm still not clear on what the main character does in the bakery. According to your explanation he maintains the temperature of a boiler, this is an obscure thing to do in a bakery. Why not just make him a baker? Secondly, the logic of a baker needing to protect vegetables in a garden from theft isRead more
I’m still not clear on what the main character does in the bakery. According to your explanation he maintains the temperature of a boiler, this is an obscure thing to do in a bakery. Why not just make him a baker?
Secondly, the logic of a baker needing to protect vegetables in a garden from theft is unclear. If he were the gardener or farmer then there is a clear connection between these events.
The dramatic need in the story is vague because of the structure of the logline, try redrafting it with the inciting incident first and then force the main character to take action as a result.
I think the theft of carrots from a garden doesn’t have high enough stakes, is there anything else the thieves could steal that would be more valuable? Perhaps a field of carrots? The amount could raise the stakes. Unless, of course, this is a children’s story in which case the message will be clear with a few carrots from a garden and the stakes don’t need to be very high.
Lastly what is his goal? How long does he need to protect the garden for, a month, a year? Best to define a specific reason or period of time for him to protect the garden, than an unspecified deceleration of his intent.
For example:
See lessAfter a band of gypsies steal carrots from his field, a farmer must protect his farm and family from hordes of gypsies in order to deliver his crop to the annual market.