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After trashing his friend’s car while drunk, a 20 year old slacker must share a paper route, the only job he can find, with his overachieving 12 year old sister to pay for the damages and avoid jail time.
Well, the?revised ?is shorter, but it seems to me?the cause and effect linkage between the inciting incident (the trashing) and the remedy (the paper route) seems weak.Why does he have to take a paper route to pay restitution?? Why doesn't he get some other job? Isn't it because it's the only job heRead more
Well, the?revised ?is shorter, but it seems to me?the cause and effect linkage between the inciting incident (the trashing) and the remedy (the paper route) seems weak.
Why does he have to take a paper route to pay restitution?? Why doesn’t he get some other job? Isn’t it because it’s the only job he can get?? Isn’t that??a necessary causal link in the chain of events that leads him from the trashing to working for the girl?? Isn’t?his inability to find anything better?– he’s a zero loser –?part of the comedy?
I like the premise.? It suggests all kinds of comic chemistry between the slacker and the girl.? But I think it would strengthen the logline to nail down the joke within the joke?of why?he ends up working for her.? She’s a winner, he’s a loser who can’t find any other job.
I appreciate?that you are caught between conflicting needs for this logline, between clarity and brevity.? I’m an OCD nut ?for both, but if I can’t optimize for both, ?my inclination is to trade off (a little)?brevity for the sake of (more)?clarity.
Ultimately, of course,?it’s your call. ?Best wishes with the story idea.
?
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See lessAfter an unruly party, a college dropout must share a paper route with his 12 year old overachieving neighbor to cover the damage.
Agreed with the above. The wording lets the concept down better to start with the inciting incident and end with the goal. After damaging his friends house a high-school dropout must share a paper route with his 12 yo overachieving neighbor. Why is high-school drop out important to the plot it seamsRead more
Agreed with the above.
The wording lets the concept down better to start with the inciting incident and end with the goal.
After damaging his friends house a high-school dropout must share a paper route with his 12 yo overachieving neighbor.
Why is high-school drop out important to the plot it seams more of a device to create an odd couple with the over achiever, is there a better description for the MC a character flaw that could give him a reason to change? If so better to use that instead as a description.
Hope this helps.
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