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A young woman’s life turn upside down when she joins a secret agency to fend off her bullies.
It doesn't look like there is an event that causes her to take this path. Loglines need three elements an Event (Inciting Incident), a character that that event happens to, and the the action the character takes as a result of the event. At the moment you only have a character and an action. The bulRead more
It doesn’t look like there is an event that causes her to take this path. Loglines need three elements an Event (Inciting Incident), a character that that event happens to, and the the action the character takes as a result of the event. At the moment you only have a character and an action. The bullies may have been bullying her for years. What happened to her that has forced her to join the secret Agency? What was it that turned her life upside down?
See lessIn order to cut the apron strings, a 30 year-old gogo boy flees his head of mafia, brothel-owning mother to a small town living off the tourism of its celebrity cemetery. There, he struggles to make a living while helping an ex-FBI agent demoted to park ranger to find her status back by resolving the corruption that took her down in the first place.
Very cool premise. The logline reads like two stories or (A story) gogo boy escapes mafia mom, (B story) gogo boy helps reinstate an ex-FBI agent. I would focus on the inciting incident that triggers your protag to flee mafia mom, the goal is to live a life redeemed as a tombstone tour guide to theRead more
Very cool premise. The logline reads like two stories or (A story) gogo boy escapes mafia mom, (B story) gogo boy helps reinstate an ex-FBI agent.
I would focus on the inciting incident that triggers your protag to flee mafia mom, the goal is to live a life redeemed as a tombstone tour guide to the stars, BUT … you need a “mom wants her gogo back – dead or alive” element for stakes, you get the idea.
Your B story needs to revert to your main plot e.g., ex-gogo boy gets ex-agent reinstated to shut down mafia mom. Logline real estate is tiny; you can skip mentioning it.
Q: A gogo boy is a gay go-go dancer, right? Gay or not, it would be jacked if he were the star attraction in his mother’s brothel 😉.
Keep going!
See lessAfter robbing. a casino in Vegas, A pair of prodigal biracial twin arrive in New York to start a new life but the trouble they lelf in VEgas didn’t stay in Vegas
Is biracial important because each sibling is on the far racial spectrum from each other? Otherwise, I don't believe it's relevant for the logline. lelf? VEgas? I have a lot of questions on how the two of them managed to rob a casino? Maybe leave that part out and find an alternative way to add to tRead more
Is biracial important because each sibling is on the far racial spectrum from each other? Otherwise, I don’t believe it’s relevant for the logline. lelf? VEgas?
I have a lot of questions on how the two of them managed to rob a casino? Maybe leave that part out and find an alternative way to add to the looming threat. Who specifically is after them?
See less