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a pair of stubborn biracial twin brothers on a run after robbing a casino in Vegas, flee to their home, new York to start a new life, but discover the trouble they left in Vegas, didn’t stay in Vegas
Gangster flicks are always awesome. This longline feels al little muddled though...To me, what happens in New York is the important bit. What does the "trouble they left in Vegas" do to them? Kidnap their mom? Burn down their pizza joint? That's the stuff that gets them to re-examine their past andRead more
Gangster flicks are always awesome. This longline feels al little muddled though…To me, what happens in New York is the important bit. What does the “trouble they left in Vegas” do to them? Kidnap their mom? Burn down their pizza joint? That’s the stuff that gets them to re-examine their past and face up to the consequences of their actions.
See lessAfter robbing a casino in Vegas, a pair of stubborn biracial twin arrive in New York to start a new life, they discover the trouble they left in Vegas, didn’t stay in Vegas.
I like it!!!! I was immediately intrigued and wanted to know what trouble followed them from Vegas.
I like it!!!! I was immediately intrigued and wanted to know what trouble followed them from Vegas.
See lessWhen faced with the agony of getting real jobs after graduation, a hapless hair metal band must make their way to LA for a shot at a huge record deal but a former classmate (and failed musician) works for the label and will stop at nothing to see they flop.
Hey! Great work here. I have a few thoughts. 1) Do we need "When faced with the agony of getting real jobs after graduation"? It doesn't seem to impact the rest of the story because they don't break up and look for real jobs. 2) I think you could explain your band a little better, something more preRead more
Hey! Great work here. I have a few thoughts.
See less1) Do we need “When faced with the agony of getting real jobs after graduation”? It doesn’t seem to impact the rest of the story because they don’t break up and look for real jobs.
2) I think you could explain your band a little better, something more precise. Something like this bad example “thick make-up, big-haired rock band…’ I know exactly what type of fellas these are.
3) Once you introduced the antagonist you use 19 works to get your message across, most good loglines are between 25-30 in total. Try getting that down. I like the guy though, classic chip on his shoulder kinda dude that is a mad pain in the ass and only has that job because his daddy got it for his…something like that I’m sure haha.
4) This is the painful note, I hate getting it and I hate giving it…stakes, what are they? What happens if these guys fail? At the moment it seems like it will just be a pain in the ass to go and find real jobs but that isn’t enough? Not if the antagonist is going to stop at nothing, he/she is going to easily win here. Something to think about. I’m sure you have it it’s just about getting it down here.
Great work, cool premise, I’ll buy a ticket so keep it up!