1. Posted: October 20, 2018In:

    When several unexplained deaths occur in a retirement village, a cranky veteran suspects the widows and must uncover the truth before becoming the next to go.

    mrliteral Samurai

    Rearrange the details for better flow. I don't know who ever said starting a logline with "When something happens" but it's terrible and doesn't make sense that so many people use it without listening to how slow and boring it sounds. Always start with the protagonist - no one cares about events, weRead more

    Rearrange the details for better flow. I don’t know who ever said starting a logline with “When something happens” but it’s terrible and doesn’t make sense that so many people use it without listening to how slow and boring it sounds.

    Always start with the protagonist – no one cares about events, we care about people. Aside from how it’s phrased, all the pertinent details are here: protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. Just put it in a more compelling order without punctuation and it’s solid.

    A cranky veteran must uncover the truth behind several unexplained deaths in his retirement village before the widowed suspects make him the next to go.

    This doesn’t quite identify the tone – could be dark comedy, could be dramatic thriller – but does generate interest in reading more, so as long as the tone is clear in a synopsis or summary or treatment or especially the script, it’s fine.

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  2. Posted: October 18, 2018In:

    A payday loan banker?s estranged mother is kidnapped by a disgruntled customer but, when they refuse to pay the ransom a dangerous game of wits unfolds.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    Rutheless People works because Danny DeVito's character (the husband, who is to pay the ransom) is actually a funny villain, while the audience empathises with the wife and the kidnappers. It wouldn't have worked if DeVito were the protagonist; how can one refuse to pay ransom for one's wife? It wouRead more

    Rutheless People works because Danny DeVito’s character (the husband, who is to pay the ransom) is actually a funny villain, while the audience empathises with the wife and the kidnappers. It wouldn’t have worked if DeVito were the protagonist; how can one refuse to pay ransom for one’s wife? It would take great writing skills to pull that one off.

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  3. Posted: October 17, 2018In:

    Two middle-aged misfits wrestle with their selective memories as they retrace the steps of a wild teenage holiday hoping to find their dead friend?s estranged son.

    dpg Singularity

    AHarper84:Thanks for the clarification. I find the premise of a misadventure-riddled road trip/quest appealing, but the setup you have in mind seems to lack, well, momentum.? It seems to me to lack an inciting incident strong enough to push them out of their comfy inertia, energize with them with aRead more

    AHarper84:

    Thanks for the clarification. I find the premise of a misadventure-riddled road trip/quest appealing, but the setup you have in mind seems to lack, well, momentum.? It seems to me to lack an inciting incident strong enough to push them out of their comfy inertia, energize with them with a compelling reason to go on a quest for the son.

    And, again, what are the stakes?? Why MUST they find the long lost son? What is to be gained by finding the son and telling him , in effect; “The father who took no responsibility for raising or supporting you is dead.? And he died a deadbeat drunk, so there’s not even an estate for you to inherit as a compensation for his being a derelict father.”? No doubt, the the son will be thankful to hear the tidings.? As if?

    Have you considered a setup where he may have died drunk, but he didn’t die poor?? That — come to find out? — he left a lot of money and a will designating it all got to his son.? Son, what son? And one of the two men has been designated as the executor of the will, so it’s his job to find the son.

    And then there’s the mother.? If it’s important to find the son, what about her, the victim of the one night stand?? Isn’t it as equally important to find and notify her?

    The premise in this story suggests that the quest will climax in some kind of? emotional consummation .? There will be a cathartic closure of unresolved business between a loser father and? his neglected and abandoned son.? And right now, I just can’t imagine what that might be.

    fwiw

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