Penpusher
Posted: 2020-08-26T10:50:19+10:00 In:

17 year old twin, Deighton Young needs to negotiate his last year of school while grieving for his recently drowned brother. Dropping out of school due to grief he is forced by his father to work for white collar criminal Harry Mackay, in doing so he uncovers unethical business practice leading back to resolving a multi-generational mystery surrounding the disappearance of Lani Drum 40 years earlier.

Logline for review for “The Calling” – an 8 part crime, mystery, coming of age TV Series currently in development.

Can I have feedback from the logline.it community please.

 

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    3 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      It seems a little too wordy.

      You could change it to something like:

      17-year-old, Deighton Young drops out of school and forced to work for white-collar criminal Harry Mackay. He uncovers sketchy things related to the Lani Drum disappearance and the multi-generation mystery surrounding it.

      That’s not the best, but it gets the point across quicker, more concise, and leaves the audience hooked.

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    2. Singularity

      As youngswriter1547 said, at 66 words in length, it’s too long. The purpose of a logline is to sell the story — not tell it. It needs to be trimmed down to a logline that is less than 40 words long and focuses on the story hook. (What is the story hook for this series, anyway?)

      Also, it’s better to introduce characters by a defining characteristic, not their proper names.

      And what is the dramatic significance of Lani Drum? Why does a past event –her disappearance 40 years ago — matter NOW, in the present tense of the story? What are the personal stakes for the protagonist ? Why MUST he solve the mystery — or else? Or else what?

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