(3rd revision, 35 words) In order to name a rebellious son as heir to a dynasty that sells raided memories, a patriarch must fabricate a succession rite inside his mind, before he releases an expos? of his shady dealings.

I think you’re assuming too much about what the audience can make sense of.? I don’t feel like I understand “raided memories” and “fabricate a succession rite inside his mind” enough.? Based on your previous logline, I know “raided memories” is probably “memories stolen from people, for profit”, but you can’t assume someone will get that from the logline.? And that whole thing about fabricating a succession rite inside the patriarch’s mind… it sounds like you’re having the patriarch thinking hard about something that is supposed to thwart or appease the son (I guess?), but I have no idea what that is like, and I’m not sure why I care about it.? It might look cool, I guess, with dream sequences or a spooky ritual, but, that’s probably not going to make many people more interested in your film.? I’d stay focused on clarifying the plot, although I admire your sense of artistry.? You’d probably make a kick-ass dungeon master at a D&D game.

Another thing that’s important… this logline doesn’t give us reason to care about anyone.? It sounds like the rebellious son (who sounds a bit whiny/self-entitled) is not the protagonist.? The patriarch is.? So why do we care about this patriarch?? Sounds like not a nice guy, selling off memories that don’t belong to him.? Give me a reason why we don’t want to see some victim, chock full of memories, fight back and burn his whole operation to the ground?? Typically that’s what I’d expect to happen with such a premise, and there’s plenty you can do with the information contained in a memory.? You have work to do if you want the audience to be rooting for the kingpin.