Samurai
Posted: 2016-06-29T16:23:02+10:00 In:

A cheap con-artist attempts to outrun and outmuscle a Mexican cartel?s butcher by hiring an aspiring-but-clueless circus strongman for protection when he swindles them out of 50 million dollars.

A cheap con-artist attempts to outrun and outmuscle a Mexican cartel?s butcher by hiring an aspiring-but-clueless circus strongman for protection when he swindles them out of 50 million dollars.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Easy cowboy…

      There are far too many details, in the wrong order, here to make out a clear plot.

      After he swindles them out of 50m the cartel chase him right? How is this out of the ordinary? It is expected that if some one were to swindle a Mexican cartel out of even 5 cents, they would be hung from the highest tree – if they’re lucky that is.

      Point is the MC set in motion a sequence of events he knew were going to happen, if he isn’t prepared for it then he is a fool and the audience will likely find it hard to empathise with him. If he is prepared for it, then it’s not much of an obstacle for him to over come. All he has to do is follow the plan and keep running, and to that matter, when does he stop? How does he know the cartel will no longer send people after him? Or in other words, what is his goal? Sure he’ll out run or kill the current “butcher” but surly any Mexican cartel worth their weight would send another and another until they get what they want.

      I think best to devise a different inciting incident, one that is an event out of the ordinary which dramatically impacts?the MC and forces him to take action. Also best to give a better?goal?for the MC one past which the reader knows, beyond a doubt, that the story ends.

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    2. Singularity

      What Nir Shelter said.

      And now the strongman is the pivotal character since he has been tagged to solve the con artist’s problem. ?His predicament is more interesting. ?Might as well make him the protagonist, someone who unwittingly gets in deeper than he initially realized, had no idea how serious the threat was. Because if the con man had been honest about it, the strong man would probably have never taken the job or at the very least upped his price — demanded at least 1/2 of the take.

      Also 50 million dollars seems absurdly high even for a comedy. ?His life would be in mortal danger for a fraction of that. ?But if that’s the number you want to go with, I don’t find it credible that the cartel wouldn’t send one butcher — he’d send an army of hit men to make sure the con artist was killed and the money returned.

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