EXPOSURE
A college photography student who discovers terrifying images of ghostly children in her shots of an abandoned amusement park races to uncover a decades-old mystery to save her son from the vengeful spirits.
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I liked the original more… I had left a comment but it never showed up. It seems to me that this version has lost the essence/flow/feel of the first.
This was the original: When a college photography student finds images of ghostly children in her photos of an abandoned amusement park, her investigation into a decades-old series of slayings puts her own life at risk.
(I asked the admins to delete it since I had the new one, and hadn’t seen any comments – don’t know what happened to yours, but I’d be interested to see what you thought).
But version 2.0 has a clear stakes character — her son.
My question is the casual connection between the discovery and the threat. Are the avenging spirits coming after her son because of what she’s discovered in the pictures? If not, then WHY are they going after her son? A logline usually establishes a cause-and-effect link between an inciting incident and a subsequent action.
That she’s seen ghosts in her pictures is an interesting incident, but is it the INCITING incident, the trigger domino the starts all the other dominos falling?
“When a reckless student discovers images of spirit photography on her camera,
she attempts to solve the slayings that took place decades ago, risking her only son.”
But, once again, what is the cause-and-effect link between her investigation and the risk to her son? Why does the former put the latter in jeopardy?
Your absolutely right dpg.
This is an issue that faced “The Ring”. This could be solved by a couple of ways:
1)
It only happens when she takes pictures of her son.
2)
She discovers old photos of a
doppleganger that resembles her son as a victim from decades earlier.
3)
Her son discovers the camera and takes pictures not aware of the effect.
There is a slew of remedies to consider. But without that link, this is a forced situation where
the son is a sub-par passive character. To raise the stakes within the concept based just on her
would make a more compelling logline. Then when that can be done and the son aspect can be worked in to benefit it, it might be the best approach.
What is she risking personally ??
In the ring they BOTH watch the same video so everything that is happening to her,
subconsciously we know it is happening to the son.
How does the the journalist come to realize that she must solve the mystery to save her son from vengeful spirits?
The logline for The Ring: “A young journalist must investigate a mysterious videotape which seems to cause the death of anyone in a week of viewing it.” (22 words) In that movie, the journalist realizes it because people start dieing shortly after viewing it.
Main character discovers a deadly problem with a ticking clock. (The “death of anyone in a week” is both a reveal — that ‘s how the journalist realizes there a big problem, right? — and a ticking clock that adds urgency to the struggle to solve the mystery. A nice two-fer.)
Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I’ve been taking it all in and breaking the story some more – here’s a newer version:
When a young mother whose photos capture terrifying images of the spirit world discovers ghostly intruders in her home, her quest to find out why leads her to an abandoned amusement park haunted by slain children and filled with decades-old secrets she must unlock to save herself and her son.
Or, a shorter version:
A young mother whose photos reveal ghostly images menacing her son finds they are connected to an abandoned amusement park haunted by slain children.
Great improvement patricks. 😀