A college student is left to pick up the pieces when his friend and roommate commits suicide, but when it’s discovered that he was hiding a secret past, he begins investigating. only to discover a dark secret about one of his professors that leads him to believe that it wasn’t suicide.
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A college student is left to pick up the pieces when his friend and roommate commits suicide, but when it’s discovered that he was hiding a secret past, he begins investigating. only to discover a dark secret about one of his professors that leads him to believe that it wasn’t suicide.
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The logline expends ?51 words only describing the setup ?for ?the plot instead of describing the plot (ideally in 25 words or less). ?The plot would seem to begin where the logline ends.
So what’s the plot? ?As a result of the “dark secret” he discovers, what becomes his objective goal?
“After his roommate commits suicide, a (insert flaw here) college student…” Then what? Keep it clear and concise, but what is his goal? The obstacles? This needs a lot of work. Hope this helps.
Agreed with DPG and Moses99.
Also you use too many vague descriptions; “…pick up the pieces?”, “…a secret past?”, “…a dark secret?”. These mean nothing in a logline, mostly because they could mean anything – a lack of specificity works against a logline, and will likely induce confusion over intrigue.
Tell the reader what the story is, don’t leave it up to them to invent the story for you as they read. It’s the combination of a specific event and a character’s choice of action to that event that creates drama, not adjectives and certainly not vague ones.