Penpusher
Posted: 2020-03-19T11:18:39+10:00 In:

A disgraced mecha pilot searches for a cure to his ailing health against the government’s wishes. As he reunites his former comrades and combats pursuing government agents, he discovers the rogue AI responsible for his condition, and must stop it before its plans to “purify” the world come to fruition.

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    2 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      Hi PyroPanda,

      I can instantly see the film you’re describing which is a great thing… I just think you have squeezed too much into your logline – it reads more like a mini synopsis than the core of your idea.

      • Who is the main antagonist? ?The government or the rogue AI? ?I’d choose one for the logline (the other is part of your plot).
      • Reuniting former comrades and combatting government agents are also more plot than logline (unless these are your main antagonists).
      • I’m not sure if people will know what a mecha pilot is (I didn’t). ?I’m also not sure what it has to do with the logline as initially I presumed his ailing health was related to being in this mechanic suit… then we have the government cover up, which made me think they are to blame, but then he finds the AI which is more advanced than mechanical and sounds like it is operating independently from the government – this could be a reveal in your plot, but it’s too confusing for a logline.
      • I would start by stripping out elements that are not his core objective.
      • Why is his health failing?
      • Who is the main antagonist?
      • What is his main objective? ?To cure himself or save the world from the AI? ?I’m guessing it should be the latter as without that he’d die anyway.
      • Why is he disgraced? ?Is it linked to the plot? ?If not, it should be.
      • Are his comrades also ill? ?Telling us a bit more about the plot may help people offer more focussed suggestions.

      Regards
      Trix

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    2. Logliner

      I agree with Trix, there’s just too much here. Mecha didn’t trip me up, but it is a good note if this is going to people who aren’t deep into that branch of scifi.

      Depending on what your actual story/main antagonists are you could essentially cut everything between the word cure and “he discovers a rogue AI” ? something like this: “A dying and disgraced mecha pilot searches for a cure to his ailing health, but instead discovers a rogue AI is responsible for his condition, and he must stop it before its plans to ?purify? the world come to fruition.”

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