A horrendous tragedy befalls the Golden Boy of corporate America and his Fianc? forcing them to deal with it in two different but equally destructive ways, taking one of them to the brink of life and death.

I suggest the logline needs to be framed with more specificity. ?As it stands, it’s rather vague in conveying a sense of what the story is really about.

What, exactly, is the “horrendous tragedy”?

As a result of the “horrendous tragedy” what becomes the protagonist’s specific objective goal? ?”Forcing them to deal…” is too vague to differentiate the story from all the other loglines where the inciting incident “forces them to deal…”

Assuming the “golden boy” is the protagonist, there is no need to mention the love interest in the logline. ?But the logline does need to specify who the antagonist is. ? Who opposes the protagonist, threatens to defeat him?

“Taking them the brink of life and death” — don’t you mean to “the brink of ?life or death”. ? In any event, how so? ?The logline presents no clear description of what the life-threatening jeopardy is to distinguish it from the all the other loglines where the stakes area a matter of life or death.

If you haven’t already done so, check out ?”Training” at the top of the web page for guidelines on how to?construct an industry standard??logline.

So a brutal rape destroys their relationship. ?Okay, that is the making of a traumatic inciting incident. ?And it’s an unusual choice to make the female the stronger character, the one who is more resilient.

Now ?there needs to be a clarification as to his “demons”. ?What, specifically, are they? ?Alcoholism, drug abuse, depression? ?All of the above? ?

And what becomes his objective goal, his m.o. for defeating his “demons”?

Or his objective goal something he must struggle to accomplish in spite of his “demons”?

fwiw