A man tormented by the death of his wife and daughter, which he accuses himself of, will have to endure the apparitions of the ghosts of his family who also blame him for their deaths.
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A man tormented by the death of his wife and daughter, which he accuses himself of, will have to endure the apparitions of the ghosts of his family who also blame him for their deaths.
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The inciting incident should be a scene that upsets the balance in the protagonist’s life thus creating the goal to reset that balance. A man being tormented and blaming himself is simply a setup. What specifically happens that is different to how he is before the story begins? In my opinion, he can be a tormented man but the inciting incident is where he sees the ghosts of his wife and daughter for the first time. That’s the moment that is out of the ordinary. HOWEVER, you need to have a goal that relates strongly to this. Which leads me to point two…
What’s his goal. Currently it’s “to endure the apparitions…” So, visually, he sits, watches, endures and then it’s the end? What has he achieved? How has he changed?
It seems like everyone blames him for their deaths… everyone is on the same side of this argument? Where’s the conflict? He blames himself, they blame him… he has a miserable life. Does anyone think he wasn’t to blame? All films need conflict. Without that you have nothing.
A lot of the action you’ve described above takes place in the character’s head. Think more visually. What are we going to see on screen and how is it interesting for an audience? How does the audience know this guy is tormented? (and he can’t just talk to himself and say “I’m tormented”). In the same vein “enduring” something could just be the character sitting while the apparitions point their fingers. How is it visually interesting for an audience?
Is this a short? If not, how is this going keep an audience interested for 90+ mins? How is this a Thriller too? The genre selected should be apparent in the logline. If it were a comedy I would expect to understand from the logline where the humour came from. With a thriller, I need to understand what’s “thrilling” about the story. For me, everything in this logline could happen in one room in 5 minutes.
In short, the character needs a goal, there needs to be conflict, and there needs to be something visual going on.
Agree with mikepedley85 on every point.? ?This logline is all about a troubled past, a guilt present.? Not a clue as to where the story is going, what the action will be going forward.? And that’s what a logline should be about, not where a character has been, or is now, but where he is struggling to go in the future.