ETERNAL STRANGERS
A man with no memory is trapped in a mysterious hotel, controlled by an oppressive host who forces him to to catch a killer among the guests in exchange for the truth of his identity.
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I like it, I like it a lot.
“Controlled by an oppressive host” is problematic because it indicates you have a character who does not possess free will, and will therefore be ‘passive’ in your story. That would be frustrating to watch – perhaps unless it is a third act reveal.
Anyway, I think you’ve put the elements all in here – although your description of “a man” is not particularly compelling. What is there about this character, besides his amnesia, that would make me want to watch 90 mins of story about him?
You’ve indicated an antagonist (oppressive host), a goal (catch a killer) and the stakes (his identity). My problem is that these elements are all disparate, and it doesn’t make sense how they all fit together. Why does your protagonist care about catching the killer? Why does your antagonist care about it, for that matter? Finding out his identity seems like high stakes … but couldn’t your protagonist feasibly just LEAVE the hotel, and go literally anywhere else to start working out who he is? Why is it so important that he learn from this oppressive host?
Thanks for the feedback. I think you’ve asked the right questions. The man can’t just leave the hotel because he’s “trapped”. Why is he trapped? Can’t say without giving away the third act secrets. That’s what makes this kind of logline challenging to write. But you’ve given me new angles to think about. Thanks.
Perhaps this is more compelling:
A defiantly curious man is trapped in a mysterious hotel controlled by an oppressive host, and must do his bidding to unlock his memories and reunite with his lost love.
“Defiantly curious” or “defiant and curious”?
What’s the bidding? What’s the specific objective goal he must achieve to get his memories back?
The bidding is the “catch a killer” part of the original log line, but I’m starting to think it gives the wrong impression.
What’s the genre of story?
What’s the genre of the story?
sci-fi mystery. A “Twilight Zone” story.
The problem with sci-fi and fantasy genres is that they entail a suspension or revision of one or more of the rules of the normal world; ergo, while the world of your story makes perfect sense to you the creator that world, it’s completely terra incognita to the rest of us; it doesn’t make immediate sense.
So, for example, your logline says that your protagonist has “no memory”. Well, then how can he possibly possess the knowledge and skills to do whatever he’s supposed to do?
Why would the “oppressive host” employ the character to “do his bidding” when he is crippled with such a debilitating, cognitive deficit?
Yes, you’ve summed up the challenges very well.
A revision:
A young couple must solve the mystery of their imprisonment in a surreal hotel masquerade ball to recover their lost memories.
How do they know their memories are lost? I mean, how can anyone know they lost memories, that they need to get them back, if they can’t remember? (The central conceit of the “Memento” is that the protagonist could form no new memories after being shot — which happens to be medically factual. So the conceit is believable.) I hate to keep hammering on the point, but I, for one, am having difficulty suspending disbelief.
And why is it central to your story that they’re lost their memories? Being trapped in a surreal version of the Hotel California (“you can check out any time, but you can never leave”) would seem to be a sufficient dramatic problem in itself.