A mother to two clone children plans for more clone children, but she must make the world a place where they can survive, so she unleashes her ability to kill using only her brain, founding a world of potent and fertile.
RheaSolarisLogliner
A mother to two clone children plans for more clone children, but she must make the world a place where they can survive, so she unleashes her ability to kill using only her brain, founding a world of potent and fertile.
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Hi Rhea,
Thank you for sharing your logline with us.
This is for me also the first time to comment on another logline…
I really try to understand what you want to tell with this logline.
A logline needs 3 things:
1. A protoganist
2. A goal.
3. An antagonist force that stands in its way
As I understand thus far is that a mother with two clone children wants to have save a environment for them, which is understandable, but what stands in her way to get to that place?
and her lover not really relevant in her logline as i can see it now.
Hope this helps.
Thanks,
Aschwin
Aschwin hit it right on the head with his comments. Also,
Your indirectly-implied-goal is way larger than it needs to be. Keep it a bit simpler. What entity or person is trying to stop her and why? Cloning was a screenplay fad decades ago and unless you are introducing something really new, I can’t imagine where the hook comes from that a non-cloned family would easily deliver instead.
I’m certain a mass-killer won’t make the world a better place.
Let me try a version:
A biologically enhanced mother uses her abilities to challenge the global government into allowing cloning as a legal means to re-populate the world.
As the others have said.? And the logline gives her such god-like powers, what is there to worry about?? Where’s the suspense?
Which is to say, who is her antagonist?? Who is capable to defeating her?? That is very important.? She needs a worthy adversary — somebody who poses a credible threat to her objective goal?
Who wants to defeat her?? (In the original “Star Wars” episode , Luke Skywalker has a very real threat,? a very powerful nemesis in the character of Darth Vader.? And Mr. Vader is very, very motivated: he MUST defeat Luke.)
Rhea,
What you fail to recognize is that you will not have the luxury of explaining your plot with giant paragraphs of details. That’s why we have the logline formula to attract a person to instantly absorb the story plot and then lure them into wanting to watch/make the movie. And if someone doesn’t want to watch the movie, why in the hell would anyone want to make the movie?
You are describing mostly the novel aspects of a story. That’s good for fleshing out your characters and story boarding. With film, you need to focus it down to laser or cherrypick from the 3 act structure.
As dpg mentions, who or what will stand in this super person’s way? You tease the audience and set things up right until that final showdown and then stop, forcing them to want more.
As foxtrot25 said:
>>>>With film, you need to focus it down to laser or cherrypick from the 3 act structure.
Yep, then prune down the cherries to the one with the core hook and unifying plot line for a logline the pilot episode.
No doubt, a hard task for such a complex and extended story line as the one you conceive.? But that’s what it takes to get your script read.? And only you can do the pruning because only you know your story.? We can only evaluate and suggest tweaks to the logline.
A mother to two clone children plans for more clone children, but she must make the world a place where they can survive, so she unleashes her ability to kill using only her brain, kills her brother.
A mother to two clone children plans for more clone children, but she must make the world a place where they can survive, so she unleashes her ability to kill using only her brain, kills her brother.
A biologically enhanced mother plans for more clone children, but she must make the world a place where they can survive, so she unleashes her ability to kill using only her brain, kills her brother.
A biologically enhanced mother must fight for the social acceptance of her cloned children before her own brother takes them away from her.
It’s just so hard to zero in on what makes this story unique.
I don’t think you need to give the conclusion of killing the brother in the logline.? I also don’t see any reason to mention she has 2 cloned children.? ?I would simply say something like this:
“Impeded by her own brother, a genetically enhanced woman finds she has the power to kill with just her thoughts and unleashes this power to save her children.”