Penpusher
Posted: 2018-12-30T19:06:04+10:00 In:

A rural schoolhouse is destroyed by an earthquake, five volunteers arrive to rebuild it, but the actions of one derail the entire endeavour.

A rural schoolhouse is destroyed by an earthquake, five volunteers arrive to rebuild it, but the actions of one derail the entire endeavour.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      “A rural schoolhouse is destroyed by an earthquake, five volunteers arrive to rebuild it, but the actions of one derail the entire endeavour.”

      The logline starts off all right, with a clear event.
      However, the protagonist should be clearly defined. Whether there’s only one or more than one, it should be clear who the protagonist of the story is. There may be five volunteers, but is there one who is the protagonist?
      “but the actions of one derail the entire endeavour.” is vague and tells a logline reader nothing clear.?As a result of the inciting incident, what must the protagonist set out to accomplish? What is the main conflict?

      Please go through the formula tab at the top of the page, and also read through the feedback other members receive on their loglines to better understand the elements we’re looking for.

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    2. Singularity

      Agree with everything Dkpough1 said.

      Why is the antagonist actually trying to derail the endeavour? The antagonist should have a goal that’s as clear, visual and understandable as the protagonist. Is this guy knowingly trying to stop the whole thing or is he accidentally doing it? Without a good goal for the bad guy, you end up with flat lifeless villains – a problem that a lot of superhero movies have/had. A good exercise is to write the logline from the antagonist’s POV too and see whether you have an inciting incident and corresponding goal that work and sound realistic, interesting, and visual.

      It’s usually always better to have a single protagonist like the leader of the group. Danny Ocean (Ocean’s 11), Mikey (The Goonies), Gordie (Stand By Me) are all examples of this. The protagonist is the emotional conduit for the audience, we learn who this person is and react with them as they experience the story. It’s a lot easier to have an emotional response when we’re only seeing how one character feels about a situation. We feel through them.

      Hope this helps.

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