Samurai
Posted: 2020-04-10T17:36:48+10:00 In:

A serial killer is driven by the voice of God to kill five killers ? in order to keep the woman he?s falling in love with, a Christian, who is giving him a conscience.

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    3 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      Original logline:

      A serial killer is driven by what he believes is the voice of God to kill five killers – in order to keep the woman he’s falling in love with, a Christian, who is steadily giving him a conscience.?

      I removed “what he believes” and I wasn’t sure about “steadily”. It feels redundant. I dunno.

      Other ways to end it:

      … who is steadily making him human again.
      … who is steadily humanising him.

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    2. Samurai

      I dig it, but Killer, Kill, and Killers jump out at me.

      How about:

      • ?is driven by what he believes is the voice of God? – holy war?
      • ?to kill five? ? skin alive five? Whatever method the Serial Killer is good at replaces ?kill?.
      • ?five killers? ? five murderers or five child molesters.
      • ?in order to keep the woman he?s falling in love with, a Christian,? ? I am unable to connect the plot dots with this wording so I start drifting to the logline ?To win the love of a?? which I don?t think is the right direction.
      • Why five? Was the relationship with a person of faith the reason he now hears from God?
      • Does she know he is a baddie?
      • Even if redemption happens/he kills the five, reality states they cannot live happily ever after. There will be consequences that are good for your logline e.g. what happens if she fails ?rubbing off? on him is she the next victim? What if one of the five revenge – against his girl? What happens if he gets busted by his girl or police?
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    3. Uberwriter

      The goals and obstacles don?t line up perfectly so it feels a little disjointed.

      He is killing killers because god says if he does a woman will live him? Does she already love him? If yes, then what would change that.?

      If she was a good woman, him just killing would end it. If he had no conscience why would she be in love with him? I think that detail brings in confusion rather than a good question.

      ?Believing God told him to kill 5 people to retain the love of his devout wife. A man struggles with killing and keeping it secret from his confidant to avoid disappointing her?.

      This is not your story. But the goal and obstacles are more directly aligned.

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