A Specialized Law Enforcement Group gets on a train to arrest an assassin, now they team up with the assassin to stop a runaway train infested with flesh eating demons before it crashes. (Revision 4)
LeviathanSamurai
A Specialized Law Enforcement Group gets on a train to arrest an assassin, now they team up with the assassin to stop a runaway train infested with flesh eating demons before it crashes. (Revision 4)
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Hi! This sounds like a fun idea for a movie.
However, the longline needs a bit more work.
You don?t have to capitalise any of the words in specialized law enforcement group because, I?m ?guessing, it?s not the name of the group; also, it is way too long for a log line. If your main character is the leader of this team,
I would stick his/her name in there as well so we know who we are rooting for. Perhaps ?your leading person is the assassin, then start with him/her.
You used the word ?assassin? twice in the same sentence. Also, no need to tell us again that the action takes place on a train as it was already established.
Hope this helps.
Agree with most of Niandra’s comments, however, there is no need to put a name in for the protagonist. It tells us nothing about him or his story – it simply adds a word. Much better would be to give him a characteristic or a flaw. Something that could hint at the emotional journey he’s going to go on.
Personally, unless you can tie the assassin into the flesh eating demons, I would scrap the assassin. The main thing I’ve always been curious about with this logline (and it’s various iterations) is where these demons have come from and why. The introduction of the assassin just adds a whole new plot that is still secondary to the demons and we don’t have enough information to understand why anything’s actually happening – why is the team chasing the assassin? Where are these demons from? Why are they here? Why is the assassin on the train in the first place? If they stop the train from crashing surely they still have a big problem with the demons (two goals issue)?
I’d also suggest picking a protagonist for us to root for – the leader of the group is the obvious choice.
My best advice is simplify and tie it all together.
A Specialized Law Enforcement Group
—————
The word you are looking for is a SWAT team.
Special Weapons and Tactics team.
A SWAT team boards a train to arrest an assassin, then teams up with the assassin to stop a runaway train infested with flesh-eating demons before it crashes. (Revision 4)