A snide vigilante with a super-elastic body is pestered by a reporter who insists that she fight against an emerging evil that is determined to conquer the world.
Foxtrot25Uberwriter
A snide vigilante with a super-elastic body is pestered by a reporter who insists that she fight against an emerging evil that is determined to conquer the world.
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Or:
?A wannabe reporter tries to convince and unbreakable gymnast to abandon a ruthless vendetta and then fulfill her destiny as a righteous super-heroine before merciless gangs destroy their city.?
Who is the protagonist, the reporter or the gymnast?
If it’s the latter, then I suggest refocusing the logline with her in the spotlight.
And I suggest reworking the logline with a strong incident that spurs her into action. Something stronger than a pep talk by a non-reporter.
And in loglines, characters ?don’t ?”try” to do anything. They do. And the plot is a statement about what they do.
How does being a gymnast relate to her “destiny”? ?And what is her “destiny”, anyway? ?That”s vague, imprecise; it needs to be stated explicitly as a specific objective goal.
fwiw
Agreed with DPG.
I’ll add that there are a lot of elements described in the one logline and many adjectives used, together they make for a confusing read. Best to simplify the logline so it describes the premise in such a way that the characteristics are clear from the actions and events.
For example, the description “…righteous super-heroine…” can do without the righteous part – she’s a super-hero. “…before merciless gangs destroy their entire city.” doesn’t need the word “…merciless…” if they’re going to destroy the city they are merciless. Instead, you could describe what kind of gang they are – drug runners, organized criminals, bikers, street thugs, but it probably isn’t necessary.
How does this read:
An unbreakable vigilante turns superheroine with the help of a reporter to stop the Russian mafia from destroying their city with a cold-war weapon.
The reporter may play a critical sidekick/ally role in the story proper, but for the purpose of the logline he’s an expendable extra. ?The supergal is the one character who matters in the logline; ?she’s the character who has to sell the logline, not the reporter.??I suggest cutting him out of the logline; focus on the protagonist and her objective goal.
Also if the “cold war weapon” is a nuclear bomb, then say so. ?It’s the game ball; don’t hide it.
Also, why do the bad guys want to blow up the city? ?Just for the hell of it? ?Or are they threatening to use the weapon to get something, for extortion if their demands aren’t meant? ?And isn’t there a “ticking bomb”– a deadline to meet their demands? IOW: the logline would be strengthened if nature of the threat were less vague, more specific.
???An unbreakable vigilante turns super heroine to stop the Russian mafia from selling a cold war bio-weapon to a megalomaniac.?
My theory is that ?a super hero is ?more marketable if he or she has franchise potential. ?Because that’s what studios are looking for in super hero characters. ?(One reason is because super hero stories require a lot of eye-candy, CGI. ?That costs. And studios want to recoup that cost over several movies.)
But in order to do that, the super hero must have a defining characteristic/strength that sets him or her apart from all the other super heroes vying for screen space. ?And I just don’t see that, yet, in this character.
What is there about this heroine that sets her apart from all the others, that’s new, different?
(And incidentally, what is her Achilles heel, her vulnerability which when — not if — the antagonist discovers he can exploit to not merely defeat but kill her? ?Even if it is not practical to shoehorn that into the logline, it’s gotta be in the script.)
An executioner with an ultra-malleable body reluctantly becomes a superheroine to stop the Russian mafia from selling a Cold War nerve agent to a megalomaniac.
Better. ?I like that it specifies exactly the McGuffin at stake.
But why would some one with an “ultra-malleable” body be an “executioner” in the 1st place? ? What happened to the ?gymnast? ?That makes more sense; that is, there is logical match between the character’s initial role and her defining characteristic.
And what is the trigger event? ?How does she get involved in that assignment to begin with? ?There are so many ways, so many plots, so many conspiracies whereby a super heroine in the making can earn her reputation. ?What hooks her into this assignment? ?What’s the cause-and-effect link?
And “becomes a superheroine” ?is superfluous. ?Deliver on how she becomes one in the script proper.