A young African boy who suffered all his life from hunger and destruction caused by the European colonization , sets himself in a journey and adventure to gather all food possible and prepare a feast and great meal for his tribe. However he will face many obstacles and meet allies in his journey.
AO31Logliner
A young African boy who suffered all his life from hunger and destruction caused by the European colonization , sets himself in a journey and adventure to gather all food possible and prepare a feast and great meal for his tribe. However he will face many obstacles and meet allies in his journey.
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I think it may be good for you to review the Training tab on the top bar of the site, as many of the crucial elements of a logline are missing.
In briefe, why must he find food for his tribe now? What was the event that motivated him to NEED to take action, or in other words, what is his inciting incident?
Secondly when you literally spell out that he will “…face obstacles?”, your effectively telling the reader to come up with the story themselves. However it’s you that needs to describe the details of the story in the logline,?which?will make the concept interesting or else the logline won’t achieve its goal.
Speaking of goals…
His goal of preparing a meal for his tribe seems rather low stakes, however if he were to find a renewable source of food it would mean the difference between life and death. Perhaps I’m missing something, but ?in lieu of the harsh reality these people live in, preparing a single meal seems rather lame.
My only point other than Nir’s is a pet peeve of mine. Loglines need to flow and always should be only one sentence, two at max! You’ve got a lot in here and could be easily condensed to just one, focus on your core story and protagonist and it will be easy enough.