Logliner
Posted: 2017-10-19T02:24:09+10:00 In:

A young aid worker learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. He must learn control time to save humanity and the people he loves.

A young aid worker learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. He must learn control time to save humanity and the people he loves.
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    6 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      After learning that humanity is been manipulated by nefarious beings, a _____ worker uses time travel to save mankind.

      It’s important that your MC has some kind of trait hat would explain his qualifications to be the hero. What is it?? i highly doubt aid worker will suffice.

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    2. Singularity

      Manipulated how? To what end?

      And so what?? IOW: what’s at stake?

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    3. Logliner

      A young aid worker learns humanity has been enslaved for aeons. He must learn control time to free humanity and save the people he loves.

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    4. Singularity

      The greatest challenge in pitching a scifi story in a logline is that it postulates a fictional world , and? rules that apply therein — that only exists in the mind of the writer.

      And so it is that I am sure you have worked out a causal connection and logical explanation as to why the protagonist, and he alone is the “The One”, who realizes humanity is enslaved. Why he, and he alone, can control time. And why the only way to liberate humanity is to control time.

      But I have no idea what it is; consequently, I am unable to suspend disbelief, understand and buy into the? story.

      Furthermore, I don’t see an Unique Selling Point (aka: Hook) that makes this plot stand out in the swarm of competing scifi pitches.? That is, I don’t see how the World-Savior-to-be in this story equals or tops all the other designated World-Savior’s scifi films.? Specifically Neo of the Matrix franchise which with the protagonist in this logline will inevitably compared.

      Maybe you’ve got an idea for a dystopia that’s even worse than the Matrix and? a protagonist /World-Savior who can top Neo.? But I just don’t see it. (Yet.)

      Other’s mileage for this logline and vision of its potential may vary.

      fwiw

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    5. Singularity

      Happysnapper,

      This, much like the other versions, still lacks stakes, a logical connection between the character descriptions and premise, a clear description of the actions the MC will take and one goal.

      I’m not sure what the point is of posting another version of the same concept when all the comments given to the previous versions still apply. It is very strongly suggested that you study ALL the MANY notes you’ve already received on other threads dedicated to the same concept before drafting your next version.

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    6. Samurai

      This logline by MadMovieManiac on imdb about back to the future: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088763/plotsummary

      “After being accidentally sent 30 years into the past in a time-travelling DeLorean invented by the mad scientist Dr. Emmett Brown, Marty McFly has to find a way to return to the future and make his parents fall in love again to ensure his own existence.”

      Notice that it states the time-travelling DeLorean, states objectively what the character has to do (instead of vague “must learn how to control time”), and the stakes (he might cease to exist).
      I guess all the tips above boil down to be more specific about the description so the hook is more visible.

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