A young psychic lives a virtual hermit?s life until he sees his own death, he must try to figure out the events that lead to his death in a hope of preventing them.
CraigDGriffithsUberwriter
A young psychic lives a virtual hermit?s life until he sees his own death, he must try to figure out the events that lead to his death in a hope of preventing them.
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The ending is not visceral enough. Can you say what causes the psychic to see his death? How about:
A young psychic lives a virtual hermit?s life until [saving a sick girl] causes him to see his own death, he must discover the events that led to his death before time runs out.
Why not use the known, trusted, and all too well discussed formula?
Inciting event, cinematic action, character then goal.
“…A young psychic lives a virtual hermit?s life…” – is redundant to the plot.
“…until he sees his own death…” – implies an inciting incident.
“…must try to figure out the events…” – trying isn’t doing and story is action – in other words the MC needs to do something instead of just trying to do it. Further more, figuring out what happened isn’t nearly as cinematic as taking action to stop it.
“…hope of preventing them…” – Everyone hopes for something, but a hero (and a cinematic one at that) must achieve something or at least is motivated to achieve it no matter what – hoping to prevent something sounds tame in comparison to having to achieve a goal.
How about this:
After seeing a vision of [this thing killing him], a hermit must [do this thing] to stop his own premature death.
What or who specifically kills him? And what specifically does he do to save himself?
While trying to shorten the line, I dropped the fact that he hides away because he sees a person?s fate when he is in their company.
So the only way to stop seeing people die, is to hide.
A young psychic that’s experiences the death of the people he encounters becomes a hermit, until he sees his own death and must enter society with all its pain in a hope of discovering what leads to him dying and prevent it.