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I’m new to this, so take my advice with a grain of salt – It reads a little confusingly right now – maybe re-arrange the order of some of the elements –
“Thinking she’s the last of her race, a lonely barmaid must fight for her survival after discovering the power that sustains all life while being hunted down by a vengeful superhuman.”
I think “depends on her own survival” & “fight for her life” are redundant, just pick one.
Try not to use the same word twice – “life” I replaced one with “survival”
I hope this helps.
The order and structure of this logline hinder its clarity.
Her discovering the power that sustains life isn’t an inciting incident nor is her discovering that it depends on her own life. What happened that made her need to fight for her life? Whatever it is, it sounds like the event that motivates her the most, in other words, her inciting incident. You need to start the logline with this event and then describe her and her actions. “…fight for her life…” is not specific enough for an action. How will she fight for her life? Will she have to defeat the superhuman in a fist fight, a gun fight, a legal fight…? What is the mechanism of the story that will carry the plot in act 2?
“…a vengeful superhuman…” is too vague. What is it about this particular individual that makes him or her stand out as an antagonist?
Agree with Richiev and Nir Shelter.? The logline needs to be more specific as to the objective goal and contain a unique combination of intriguing ingredients? — aka: a story hook — that clearly differentiates her from all the other superheros that litter the cinematic landscape.?
Agreed with the above. It lacks a visual objective goal. What must she do to win over this other member of her superhuman race?
A logline must raise a single query: “Will the hero achieve his goal?”
While this raises many other questions, such as:
1.
How does her “being lonely” fit
in the character-event-goal dynamic?
2.
What is the nature of power
that sustains and connects all life.
How does it depend on her survival?
3.
Since they are of the same race,
she CAN fight off the “vengeful superhuman”,
right? The conflict isn’t made tangible..
4.
How does them being “the last of their race” help the logline? Is it somehow related to their hostility to begin with?
PS. Remember “Colossal” (2016 Sci-fi flick by Nacho Vigalondo) Didn’t It get boring?
It isn’t required to answer these question in another post. Your second version must incorporate it in a natural way. Goodluck!!
If she is already the incarnation of the power that sustains and connects all life, then doesn’t she already have all the resources she needs to defeat any adversary, overcome any? obstacle to any goal?
The premise seems to deal her a royal flush.? She has an unbeatable hand.? ?What is there to worry about?
>>>because she doesn?t have any training to control her own power
Okay.? But that refers to the subjective story line.? Loglines are about the objective story line.
>>>she must struggle to survive the last of her race, who wants to kill her to take full control over humanity.
That’s reactive, that’s what she’s doing in response to her foe.? But a logline must cast a logline with a protagonist who is proactive.? A character who initiates and pursues her own positive objective goal in defiance of, in spite of whatever goal the antagonist has in mind for her.?
So the logline has to be about more than mere survival.? Luke is struggling to do more than merely survive Darth Vader; Neo is struggling to do more than merely survive the Matrix agents.
Both Luke’s and Neo’s training is not an end of itself.? It’s a? means to enable them to achieve a greater goal.
>>>?It is not until the very last minute that Neo proactively does something, fighting an agent.
That is his final exam, the Obligatory Scene, the High Noon showdown the movie has been building to.
Neo has been developing his power not as end in itself, but as a means to achieve a greater goal.? His objective goal to liberate humanity from computers.? ?Actually, to be really precise, Neo’s objective goal is to prove (to himself) that he is the prophesied “One” who will deliver humanity from computers.
Whatever.??Training, defeating foes are the means to? obtain the ultimate objective goal of the plot? — not the objective? goal itself.?? In a logline, the objective goal should be framed as proactive and positive.? (Semantically,? there many be no difference between:? “My goal is to defeat my opponent on the tennis court” and “My goal is to win on the tennis court”.? But when it comes to pitching, to selling, framing a goal positively is better.? The efficacy of affirmation in contrast to negation.)
If “…all life depends on her own survival…” has she been alive for millions of years? Is she immortal? If not, how could humanity have existed before her being born and how will humanity live after she dies?
These are just a few of the fundamental logic stumbling blocks this concept will come up against. Even if you have an answer offhand, you’ll have to explain it very quickly and clearly. If a decision maker doesn’t get the concept after hearing the logline and asks a follow up question, you have about 30 seconds to clarify it or else they’ll think that either you don’t know the answer or the concept doesn’t work – either way, they’ll likely pass.
I think the basic premise is too complex for its own good. And I don’t mean the story is complex so as to make it interesting, I mean the actual components that make up the premise are too many and too far fetched. The result is that all these elements are now competing for importance in this concept and as we’ve seen from this thread, they all need too much exposition to explain the logic that connects them.
I, to, saw many similarities between your ‘power’ and the Star Wars ‘force’ and as we’ve seen there’s a parallel between Neo in the Matrix and your MC as well. Point is, that in order to differentiate this story from others in its genre, you’ve added complications and elements – which is good, but they’re simply not working in its current form – which is bad.
I can’t make any useful suggestions at this stage as I’de need to invent too much from scratch for that to work. To help you we need to know what in the story makes it work for you.
What is it about this character, premise or plot that attracts you the most to this concept as a whole?