After sneaking out to attend the party of the year only to have things go horribly wrong, the straight-laced daughter of the police chief must employ criminal tactics to avoid being caught by the cops.
sloanpetersonLogliner
After sneaking out to attend the party of the year only to have things go horribly wrong, the straight-laced daughter of the police chief must employ criminal tactics to avoid being caught by the cops.
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It’s a little unclear and too long but a good story feels in the air.
Sloan,
Try to give us something more, in other words, what is her goal other than being caught? Attending a party is hardly a life changing accomplishment. How does something go horribly wrong?
Criminal tactics, I get where your going here, just wondering if this could be written better.
I’m sure once the cops realize she is the chief’s daughter, they won’t prosecute her, unless they want to deal with the chief.
Straight laced? As opposed to crooked laced?
Thanks so much for the suggestions! ?I would love to put more about her motivation and what things go wrong, but I do recognize that it is too long already. ?Maybe this edit?
After sneaking out to the party of the year only to have the night?go horribly wrong, the straight-laced daughter of the police chief must employ criminal tactics to get home without being caught.
Or this change?
Ruled by her police chief father?s iron fist, a naive teen sneaks out for a night of fun, but when things go horribly wrong, she must employ criminal tactics to get home without being caught.
Again, I appreciate the input. ?Log lines are so much harder than they seem.
Does she deserve to be caught? ?IOW: ?did she break the law? ?Or is she just in the wrong place at the wrong time?
And as Foxtrot25 said: he objective goal is negative: ?she wants to avoid being caught. ?And the means she employs is also negative.
If a protagonist must break the law, it ought to be for a higher purpose than to merely save her own skin.
Ah, yes, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, a classic, one of my all-time favorites. ?One I can certainly identify with: ?I conspired to ditch school one day in a way that no one noticed. ? I never got caught.
In the film, Ferris is pitted against a buffoon of a principal as his nemesis and comic foil. ?In your story, who is her nemesis, her comic or dramatic foil? ?”…to avoid being caught by the cops…” is vague. I suggest it’s better to define a specific nemesis/antagonist in the logline. ?(If her father is the police chief, then is it not the case that that ?is the specific dramatic character, the primary person, ?she will be evading? ?Well, I think the logline ought to to say so.)
Also Ferris didn’t ?do it just for himself. ?He did ?it for the sake of his guilt ridden, repressed friend Cameron — a worthy cause.
There is certainly an audience for stories about teenagers who rebel against hypocritical parents, oppressive authority figures and inflexible, unreasonable rules. ?I think the logline would benefit from polishing and focusing to highlight what makes your story a unique and fresh take on the genre.
Sigmund Freud defined a dream as the fulfillment of a wish. ?”Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ is a wish fulfillment film — an acting out of the dream of every teenager to fool their parents, and authority figures,break the rules, and get away with some mischief. ?In this case, to ditch school and not get caught.
In what way is your story a wish fulfillment story? What is the archetypal adolescent dream embedded in your story?
fwiw
There are too many vague descriptions in the logline for the plot to be clear.
What does “…party of the year…” mean? What does “…things go horribly wrong…” mean? What does “…employ criminal tactics…”? These descriptions are vague as they can mean any number of things, yet it’s specific detail that will make your plot clear and subsequently your story stand out.
I think you need to abandon “have the night go terribly wrong,” cause it just doesn’t help in any way.
Also, I think the reason most reviews are bland is because your whole log sounds “small.” There simply isn’t much to say this is a feature-length story, IMO.
Home without being caught, while may sound like a goal and stake for a teenager, it probably isn’t enough to warrant adult viewership.
How can you ramp up the stakes here?
“Criminal tactics” seems vague. ?What exactly are the “criminal antics” she must engage in to get back home? ?Grand theft auto… assault and battery… murder?