The growing conscience of Keenan Slade is a tale of an Asian migrant to New York who changes his name as an adolescent to ‘fit in’. But fit in he can’t, his father is a cab driver. Eventually he overcomes all odds to rise to the top and then the fun starts.
After the head of a giant corporation discovers a malicious conspiracy, he works by night to bring down the very company he leads by day
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This reads very well good logline Vinay.
Consider changing “giant corporation” to “multinational” and “malicious conspiracy” to a specific action rather than a description. You managed to tell us who the MC is and inform us about his work. By doing so you describe the important part about him well but you only vaguely described the II.
You also managed to tell that he will be taking action covertly to achieve his goal. But I think in too many words that are not powerful enough descriptions. Best to condense “he works by night to bring down the very company he leads by day” to as few as possible words and specify the antagonist.
Just a suggestion: After a CEO discovers his multinational has been [insert very bad thing] he fights to stop the board under their noses.
Nir.
An interesting twist on the little guy vs big corporation genre. For some reason, when I first read it I thought… Batman!
My suggestion is to be more specific!
What does his corporation do?
What is the conspiracy?
What does he do at night to stop this conspiracy?
What does he risk and what does happens if he doesn’t stop the conspiracy?
Answer these questions and try to incorporate them into your logline.
Sorry, that third question is:
What does he risk and what happens if he doesn?t stop the conspiracy?
Thanks, both comments are useful.
“After a chief of a multinational bank discovers his company is involved in counterfeiting that could bring down a country, he must operate by night to bring down the very institution he leads by day”
Hi Vinay.
This reads even better but if I may I think your holding back on the stakes and specifics in the logline, perhaps:
“When a CEO discovers the directors of his multinational bank are conspiring to bring down the economy of the US he operates by night to destroy the very institution he leads by day.”
Thanks, Nir. I cant seem to select the preferred comment, which is your last one. Strictly speaking, the conspiracy is a counterfeiting one, done in order to save their own asses. The result is it risks the whole economy, but they do not set out to ruin the economy per se, just that they dont care what happens to the rest of the people. If Keenan simly resigns, they will replace him with someone who will do their bidding so he has to work real smart and not let on what he is up to.
I prefer the original logline to the one suggested above. Ive noticed that the usual strain of comments on loglines with too many descriptives call it well, too descriptive – they tell you to trim down. Going by that the original one sounds better to me. Unless Im missing some key point about loglines.
I agree that it happens often, meensster. It seems like the catchy short logline has to miss some ingredients (how much can you put in 20 words?) and then the 30 word logline gives away too much. Giant corporation and malicious conspiracy has more intrigue than multinational bank and counterfeiting but the latter is more specific.