An impoverished teen drug mule threaten to inform by Police must find a way to get out of the business and save her sister being held as collateral.
CraigDGriffithsUberwriter
An impoverished teen drug mule threaten to inform by Police must find a way to get out of the business and save her sister being held as collateral.
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I’m confused.? Is the teenager threatening to inform the police? Or is he threatened by someone informing on him to the police? Or are the police squeezing him to inform on his drug bosses?
What DPG wrote.
The MC’s main problem is unclear and it confuses the read as a result.
Secondly the structure of the logline is working against it.
Perhaps it would be best to start with the boss taking the sister:
After her sister is taken hostage by her mob boss, a drug mule must… [do something]
The MC’s goal appears to be split into two, one is to save the sister the other is to get out of the business, and seeing as the only sure way out of organised crime is in a body bag, both are life or death choices.
Maybe it would be better to specify only one goal in the logline, otherwise it gets confusing.
The cops see her as a weak link and are threatening her, “someone is doing time, you or the boss…” type threats.
hand on forehead moment with the structure. ?Starting with the sister works much better, thanks. ? I am writing it for a small group of actors I have access to. ?If I can scam the locations this logline will help form my funding pitch.
keep it coming if you see more. I’ll redraft and post it as a comment. Thanks again.
V2. ?The story is she is leaving because of police pressure. ?She know her boss will see her as a threat and kill her once he knows the police are sniffing around. ?She only start moving drugs her and her little sister were homeless and needed money. No mention of family.
Here’s the new line.
With th her sister being held as collateral by her supplier and being pressured to inform by police a drug mule must do one last run to save them both.
In v2 the stakes are clear – the sister’s life, the motivating event or inciting incident less so. The line “…With her sister being held as collateral…” sounds like her sister was captured and held by the bad guys before the story started, why not make the sister’s capture the event that starts off the story?
I.e:
After her sister is kidnapped by her supplier a drug mule must…
“…held as collateral…” is a given and therefore redundant in the logline, as is the part that states “…pressured by police…”. The police putting pressure on her is a subplot and the logline could do without it. If her primary goal is to save her sister, that is what the logline should focus on.
Ultimately whether desperate or not, the MC chose to become a drug mule in the first place. This means she is a bad person, her inner journey could be to overcome this and I think an element of irony could help elevate the concept. Why not make it clear that the supplier is threatening to kill the sister with an overdose of drugs? Then the MC will despise the entire drug trade, yet will be forced to partake in it in order to save someone she loves.
For example:
After her sister is kidnapped by her supplier a drug mule must undergo one last run in order to save her sister from a forced heroin overdose.
Maybe your problem is that you want to describe the drug mule as a nice person and make clear why she is dealing in only?ONE word. Taking? Nir’s logline as example:
After her sister is kidnapped by her supplier a(n) X ?drug mule must undergo one last run in order to save her sister from a forced heroin overdose.
How do you describe that a drug mule is?LIKABLE in on word without getting into a contradiction. or tell us she got?impoverished because of dealing? Tough.
I believe strongly in unlikable protagonists. ?I don’t believe a character has to be likable. ?I believe they have to be compelling. ?Breaking Bad, As Good As It Gets… so on and so on. ?I was trying to show that she has no choice. ?Poverty removes all choices. ?The Police are playing on her lack of choice and showing her that they can make it a lot worse.
The reason I have strayed away from “kidnapped” as that it implies a demand. ?Holding her sister is a far more implied threat. ?I want to look at things people do when ?they are pushed and have little choice. ?She has decided to run. ?I think of her as a kid stuck between arguing divorced parents. ?The cops are one parent and her dealer (and the life) is the other.
Philosophy aside, I understand the point you made clear in the first instance. The “good person does a bad thing for the right reason” theme can still be used in your story, however I believe that the plot isn’t working.
The list of beats you posted above do not come across as a sound structure to me, perhaps it would be more beneficial to take into account the comments given and consider re structuring the plot. The main character can still be a “bad” person or not likable, but their story needs to be compelling in its motivation and stakes, to do this a re structuring the plot will likely help.