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tschrackPenpusher
Posted: June 26, 20222022-06-26T08:43:00+10:00 2022-06-26T08:43:00+10:00In: Comedy

An impulsive 14-year-old goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency trying to find case of beer to impress his older brother.

An impulsive 14-year-old goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency trying to find case of beer to impress his older brother.
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    1. BenGilani Logliner
      2022-06-27T18:55:10+10:00Added an answer on June 27, 2022 at 6:55 pm

      Maybe you mean:
      To impress his older brother, an impulsive teen goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency.

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      • tschrack Penpusher
        2022-06-29T23:31:27+10:00Replied to answer on June 29, 2022 at 11:31 pm

        Thanks Ben! Do you think it’s stronger starting with “To impress his older brother?” That does announce the stakes right off the bat… I also like teen more than 14-year-old… I assume you agree?

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        • tschrack Penpusher
          2022-06-29T23:34:52+10:00Replied to answer on June 29, 2022 at 11:34 pm

          To impress his older brother, an impulsive teen goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency trying to find case of beer for him.

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        • BenGilani Logliner
          2022-06-30T00:04:12+10:00Replied to answer on June 30, 2022 at 12:04 am

          tschrack,
          It sounds good to me. You should also know that to me, impressing his older brother is not the stake. The stake is what will happen if he does not impress his older brother. You don’t always need a stake if you’ve said your story in your logline.
          You’ve said:
          1- The CHARACTER/POV: describe sociology/function and psychology/behaviour.
          2- The MAJOR EVENT: this is the inciting incident, the call to adventure, catalyst etc.
          and
          3- The ACTION/GOAL: describe what the MC tries to achieve for most of the story.

          The stake comes under optional inclusions
          (these are often implied by the elements above)

          the STAKES: for high concept stories, the stakes are implied in the basic logline
          the OBSTACLE/ANTAGONIST: often part of the Action, or suggested by the Event
          the HERO’S FLAW: this will express the theme and character journey/transformation.

          Still, you may want to ask others’ opinions. To me, it says what you wanted to say.
          Good Luck

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    2. tschrack Penpusher
      2022-07-07T05:03:09+10:00Added an answer on July 7, 2022 at 5:03 am

      Thanks so much!

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