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jlmarevaloLogliner
Posted: April 18, 20162016-04-18T13:02:15+10:00 2016-04-18T13:02:15+10:00In: Drama

Beyond the Verse – A sassy Nun gets caught in the middle of a gangster war in Harlem New York and must outsmart the thugs to keep the peace for the neighborhood to flourish.

Beyond the Verse – A sassy Nun gets caught in the middle of a gangster war in Harlem New York and must outsmart the thugs to keep the peace for the neighborhood to flourish.
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    2 Reviews

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    1. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2016-04-18T16:10:10+10:00Added an answer on April 18, 2016 at 4:10 pm

      I think this is a good premise and can work really well as a crime comedy, however the logline needs some work.

      No need to include the title in the logline.

      “…gets caught in the middle of a gangster war…” is not specific enough for an inciting incident. In what way is she caught? How did she get caught in the middle of the war? What is the specific event that make it clear to her beyond a doubt that she is caught up in the war?
      Could it be that the big Jesus statue in her church got shot by a stray bullet in the crotch, and now they technically have a female Jesus looking down at them when they prey? Or could it be that one of the kids in a class she teaches gets shot?

      Secondly best to define a clear objective goal for her to achieve in order for her to know that she has brought peace back to the neighborhood. For example she could need to have both gangs turn in all their guns or have all the gang leaders arrested, what ever it is the goal needs to be visual and described in specific terms.

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    2. dpg Singularity
      2016-04-18T20:29:22+10:00Added an answer on April 18, 2016 at 8:29 pm

      As Nir Shelter said, the ?objective goal could use a polish.

      And if she’s caught in the middle of gang war, then there is no peace to keep. ?The peace is lost. ?It’s peace she’s trying to restore.

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