Possession of my Soul
Corporal Brandon Goldstein returns home from Vietnam after a 22 – month deployment, seeking answers why his home and family are gone and nobody recognizes him.
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Interesting idea, but I think the way you’re expressing it in the logline needs some tightening up.
Contemporary Vietnam, or the Vietnam of the war? If this is Vietnam war era, you could make that clear that by starting with a date, e.g. 1971: A Corporal returns … etc
And is it vital that it’s that era? Period pieces are so much more expensive than contemporary stories, which could lead to your script being rejected simply on cost grounds. Could he just be returning from a contemporary posting?
“seeking answers why” suggests he knew before arriving [and is fairly awkward English as well], so how about “…returns home from deployment only to find his home and family are gone…” etc
There’s always the dilemma of how much of the twist or big revelation you should give away in the logline. Often less is more, but I think you could give us a little more here…
I advise against mentioning character’s name in logline, unless they are famous; taking up valuable logline real estate. The premise is pretty cool (as Debbiemoon mentioned), but the execution is a bit off.
“A Vietnam war veteran returns home after two years only to discover that his family is missing, his childhood house is gone, and his closest friends no longer recognize him.”
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
Thanks
I like the promise of this idea. Debbie’s feedback is all very good. I would just say “returns home from the Vietnam War” to make it explicit, or you can change him to a veteran from Iraq, etc. to make it contemporary. If you strip out the name and the ‘seeking answers’ part, you have “A weary veteran returns home from a lengthy deployment in the Vietnam War, only to find his home and family are gone and nobody recognizes him.”
The second part is still a bit long. I would make it more concise, and then add some sort of clue or whiff as to what has happened. You don’t need to state it outright, but if you can sort of describe the trail the veteran starts on, that will give us a better idea of the entire movie. At this point we don’t know if it is a drama, suspense, action, or horror movie.