Penpusher
Posted: 2018-06-09T23:50:14+10:00 In:

Driven by the impoverishment surrounding his family and community, a timid young man attempts to take back the land stolen from his ancestors. Based on a true story of [US State/Country] infamy. (Title: Trespass Against Those)

Driven by the impoverishment surrounding his family and community, a timid young man attempts to take back the land stolen from his ancestors. Based on a true story of [US State/Country] infamy. (Title: Trespass Against Those)
Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    4 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      It seems perfect without much revision. For 28W —

      Based on true story of a timid man, who driven by the poverty of his community, joins a rebellion to take back the land stolen from his ancestors

      Good Luck with your writing dcpm012!!
      (I don’t know about the US state Infamy and am unable to find it online, so don’t know if mentioning it becomes hooking or not)

      • 0
    2. Singularity

      Is the protagonist a Native American, perchance?? Or an Australian Aboriginal?? New Zealand Maori? I think it’s important to know who the ancestors were.? That knowledge contributes to the stakes.

      • 0

    3. yes, you’re right, that is imperative to the logline, and i will work it in. thanks!

      • 0
    4. Singularity

      Agreed with DPG, the specifics of the story will help the reader picture it in their mind.

      Instead of saying that he’s driven by impoverishment, I’de describe one particular event, which exemplifies the impoverishment, that motivated him to take action. Otherwise, the story has no specific starting point.

      • 0