Due to imminent war conflict between magisterial government and local guerilla party, local man joins rebels on life-risking mission for exchange of safe passage for him and his pregnant wife out of the quarantined town.
MattFuziaPenpusher
Due to imminent war conflict between magisterial government and local guerilla party, local man joins rebels on life-risking mission for exchange of safe passage for him and his pregnant wife out of the quarantined town.
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“Due to imminent war conflict between magisterial government and local guerilla party, local man joins rebels on life-risking mission for exchange of safe passage for him and his pregnant wife out of the quarantined town.”
Rather than “Due to imminent war conflict between magisterial government and local guerilla party” the inciting incident should be a specific event. Is there an attack that the man witnesses? Is his mother or father or sibling killed? Basically, what compels the man to take on this dangerous mission? And rather than describe it as “life-risking” describe a little of what it entails. Does he have fight against soldiers? Climb buildings? What does he have to do that is so dangerous?
Here’s an example:?After he survives an attack at work, a local man must complete a running mission for the rebels for safe passage for him and his pregnant wife to get away from the civil war. (34)
Not the best example but I tried to include the suggestions I gave to you.
I hope this helps.
Where is the story set? In the Middle East, Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan? ?In Central America? ?Africa?
That’s not a small detail to be worked out later. ?It’s a critical detail that needs to be embedded in the logline.
AS DK and dpg brilliantly ask and suggest. Good advice.
Safe passage of him and the prego wife are paramount. Bring these to the forefront. They are what make his journey dangerous and hold plenty of stakes.
Reorder the descriptions and make it so he has to fight the military that is directly threatening his wife instead of it being an agreement he has with the guerilla fighters. This way his fight has very high stakes for him, it’s not a matter of keeping his end of a bargain up rather he directly has to protect the wife:
After war breaks out a farmer must help the guerilla fighters against the government to prevent an attack on his pregnant wife in their home.
But as DPG pointed out, where is this happening?