Logliner
Posted: 2016-10-22T12:15:57+10:00 In:

In 2050 L.A., a detective accused of murder must clear her name by catching the real suspect: a famous actress cloned from her DNA. MINORITY REPORT meets ORPHAN BLACK.

In 2050 L.A., a detective accused of murder must clear her name by catching the real suspect: a famous actress cloned from her DNA. MINORITY REPORT meets ORPHAN BLACK.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I think it’s a pretty solid and clear concept.

      Three minor suggestions:

      1] “Culprit” instead of “suspect” because she doesn’t have a suspect when she starts her investigation. (Does she?) ?Only the need to find and ID a culprit, an unidentified perp.

      2] There is no need for “Minority Report meets Orphan Black”. ?Ye hoary ?”X meets Y” gimmick is discouraged in loglines; it’s better saved for the pitch. ?In loglines, a concept should be strong enough to stand on its own without ?explicitly referencing other films. ?And ?I think this one is strong enough.

      3] I see no need to include “famous actress” in the logline . ?I presume the ?ID of the culprit , that it’s a “famous actress”, is the late 2nd Act Big Reveal, and loglines should not contain spoilers, give away Big Reveals. ?The logline should state her objective goal based only on what she knows at the start of the 2nd Act. ?

      So:

      In 2050 L.A., a detective accused of murder must clear her name by finding the real culprit, a woman cloned from her DNA.
      (23 words)

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    2. Singularity

      I confused. ?Please clarify. ?Do you mean to say that she initially goes after the wrong clone? ??IOW: the actress is a dramatic decoy, a false lead. ?That’s what the entire 2nd Act is about, following a dramatic dead end? ?

      Because the action described in a logline triggered by the inciting accident is always understood to be what the entire 2nd Act is about.

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    3. Singularity

      What does she do in act 3 that clears her name?

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    4. Singularity

      What’s the hook of your story? Hollyweird glitter? ?Or cloning? ?I opt for the latter. ??

      I think your concept is strong enough to not need some pixie dust, some Hollyweird glitter. ?But if you insist, make the detective the prime suspect in the murder of a Hollyweird celebrity. ?Now you’ve got your glitter. And after all, shouldn’t she be accused of killing someone significant? ?(And you can still keep the actress clone as a suspect because she has a motive: eliminating a competitor, or she’s a jealous jilted lover. Whatever Hollyweird folks feud about.)

      I see you posted an almost identical logline for this story in March. ?I presume you’ve made a lot of headway with script since then. ?Best wishes for your writing.

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