In a near future three close but troubled small-town boys journey alone cross country seeking hope and meaning within a crumbling society exposing them to the realisation that their days as children and lifelong companions may be drawing to an end.
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In a near future three close but troubled small-town boys journey alone cross country seeking hope and meaning within a crumbling society exposing them to the realisation that their days as children and lifelong companions may be drawing to an end.
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This logline is too vague in its descriptions and fails to describe a plot.
Is there a reason for having three main characters? If not then best to focus on one.
Seeking hope is not a story worthy goal, in fact I personally find hope to be a necessity for good main characters in general. If they are indeed facing a great ordeal they will need hope, and lots of it, to keep on keeping on… so it is almost a given that they are hopeful.
It sounds like the point is to write a coming of age story “…realisation that their days as children and lifelong companions may be drawing to an end.” But we can’t tell how they will grow up, in other words we don’t know what it is that happens to them that forces them to transform from boys to men. It is through experiences that people grow up and through the decisions that the characters make that they (and the audience) learn what kind of people they are. It is the specifics of your plot that will describe this in a logline, with out them it is just a generic description of a coming of age concept.
I can understand how a boy on the cusp of adolescence would want to break free from the isolation and constraints of his religious community independent of world events. ? But you frame his juvenile odyssey ?in the context of?his “small religious community disintegrating in the face of mankind’s rapid evolution. ” ?And I’m not sure what “rapid evolution” is supposed to mean. What is the distinguishing feature of this ?”rapid evolution” that causes the disintegration of the religious community???The plot seems to be juggling 3 balls, 3 story threads. ?Which is the most important?
The boy has an objective goal in terms of reaching a specific location by a specific date for a specific event. ?And there may be a lot at stake for mankind in establishing contact with alien life. ?But isn’t that a distant, future prospect outside the time frame of the movie? ?(Or is it?) ? What are the stakes HERE and NOW in the time frame of the movie for the juvenile protagonist? ?Why must he travel cross cross country to witness the launch in person rather than watch it on TV or the Internet like (almost) everyone else?
Finally, in a logline a main character is not named ?but rather described with a defining (and usually flawed) characteristic.
fwiw
The greatest compliment I can give your comment is that it is challenging – thank-you!
When the church institutes comprehensive censorship, a disillusioned boy defies his family and community expectations to journey alone cross country to witness the launch of the first spacecraft destined to contact alien life.
The latest draft of the logline is a great improvement. You now have an inciting incident (censorship) for a single character (boy) with a flaw (disillusioned) and a goal (witness the launch) that has a clear cause and effect relationship to the inciting incident, however I still fail to see the inherit stakes in this situation.
What is the worst that would happen should he fail to see the launch? Or better yet, what will he gain?
Secondly boy is a generic character description, and therefore a waist of a potentially good adjective. Could he be a choir boy, altar boy, space nerd, or geek instead?
In addition I don’t see how a young boy can be disillusioned, there may be some extreme scenarios such as boy soldiers but in this case it doesn’t seem believable. Perhaps he is naive and his grandfather is disillusioned, as a result of this he must help his grandfather to whiteness the launch in person before he dies. This way you have a stakes character, an obstacle (old guy in a wheel chair) and a more believable set of character descriptions.
Nir Shelter, I truly appreciate your feedback.
I have attempted to raise the stakes in this revision but I am unsure if I have created a more convoluted story premise. Needs fresh eyes…
Disillusioned by his communities traditions and risking exile for his family, a progressively withdrawn adolescent journeys alone cross country to witness the launch of the first spacecraft destined to contact alien life in honor of close friend’s dying?wish.
And while I agree with you that ‘boy’ is a generic term, there is something to be said for clarity in simplicity. I am not convinced ‘adolescent’ is any more engaging to a reader than simply ‘boy’? Ideas? I want to convey a rebellious kid but not to the point of being delinquent.?
A logline should focus on one inciting motivation for the protagonist’s pursuit of an objective goal. ?The revision has two: ?disillusionment and a dying friend’s wish.
And frankly, the two motivations seem to be rather weak ?for undertaking the hazards of a cross-country journey. ?I can see the the young man leaving the community out of disillusionment, but that doesn’t explain why he would travel cross-country to see the launch.
And It seems to me that doing it for the sake of a last wish of a close friend is weak because the adolescent is doing for the sake of some one else rather than for himself. ?He’s taking a guilt/grief trip rather than a personal odyssey. ?And it begs the question: why does the dying friend want to either see the ?launch in person himself or impose his deathbed wish on the the adolescent?
The question is not why does the teenager want to see the launch in person. ?The question is why must the teenager see the launch in person? ? What is his ?stake — not his dying friend’s stake — but his personal stake in seeing the launch? ?What does he stand to lose if he doesn’t see the launch?
fwiw
The latest draft of the logline sounds more complicated than it needs to be, as it seems as if you added more adjectives but havn’t changed the premise. I believe the premise has a lack of stakes at its core, and? no amount of descriptions will increase them.
Being ex communicated or disowned by his family/community just ain’t enough…
Think of the story from a different angle, what else can your main character do that will (as DPG and I said) increase the stakes and make them personal.
Secondly the obstacle isn’t great – he jumps on a bus, goes to the launch site, sees the launch, end of story. There is no challenge for the main character. You could make him wheelchair-bound or give him Multiple Sclerosis, anything that would inhibit his ability to make the journey would be better than nothing. By the way the fact that he comes from a community that likely forbids the use of public transport, is not an inhibition it’s an inconvenience at best, as he decides in act one to go anyway.