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Bbass74Logliner
It’s 2151 and a bio scientist finds herself in the middle of the largest coverup in history. She begins a race against time to expose her former CEO?s deceit or else mankind changes forever.
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I have a problem with the wording of your logline. The story sounds interesting, but “the largest coverup in history” is too generic to get us excited for your main character. Replace this sentence with a more detailed and visual description like “In 2151, when the whole world is contaminated and uninhabitable, a bio scientist…”
Also, give us a better outlook of your mid-point: “or else mankind changes forever” is pretty basic and can mean anything, even in a positive way. Try to find a better way in communicating it. Don’t use “deceit” for the CEO, maybe go with “the CEO’s responsibility”. He should be directly involved and responsible for this catastrophy if you want him to be the main antagonistic force in your story.
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As savinh0 pointed out, your logline is a little vague. It feels like all the most interesting bits you’ve either accidentally or deliberately omitted – otherwise known as burying the hook! Loglines thrive on specificity, so, specifically, what is the coverup? What is the CEO’s deceit? How will mankind change forever?
Ideally a logline should be phrased as a single sentence with limited to no commas. They break up the flow for the reader and I think you could easily find a way to amend this to work without a fullstop.
What is actually stopping your protagonist exposing her former boss? As a goal, it’s fine, but what’s standing in her way? Where does the actual conflict come from?
I agree with savinh0’s point about the future setting. As it currently stands, if you remove the setting, the plot remains the same. So what, specifically, is in this future that means this story can’t be told at any other point in time? Either remove, or expand.
Currently she’s just a bio-scientist… but who is she? She is at the core of this entire story so give us something more. What’s her arc? Her character flaw? Is she at the peak of her career, internationally renowned? Or just a lackey?
There’s definitely something here, but without that specificity and character, I’m struggling to see what it is. Keep going!
Hope this helps.
To follow up on my reply I realized that the land deal is not the inciting incident so I tried again on the logline with this:
It?s 2151 and when a timid bio scientist finds her co worker dead, she races against time and for her life to expose her company?s CEO?s true intent to create the first artificial humans to monopolize it?s science and control society.
After reading your response here is my take:
Protagonist: A bioscientist.
Goal: Expose her companies deadly engineered humans coverup.
Antagonist: Bad company.
Stakes: Mankind ruled by the companies engineered humans.
In 2151 a cornered bioscientist must expose her companies deadly coverup to control the government using engineered humans before society is changed forever.
I’ve read all the comments, responses, & alternate loglines in this thread and still don’t have much of an idea what the story is about. You’re all making it too complicated. Be specific without going into too much detail. Be clear without giving everything away. Just give us the basics and make it sound interesting. Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. What’s actually happening, and why does it matter? Also verify the necessity of various apostrophes; that’s just making it messier.
Still not making any sense and has extraneous apostrophes. Why does it matter what year it is? There’s nothing else described here which couldn’t be happening right now.
Why does it matter that she’s timid? How does this character trait affect her actions, conflicts, and situations within the story? Where is the irony of this issue? Why is she racing against time? What’s setting that time limit, what’s the rush?
What you’re doing here is introducing ideas without making it clear why they’re a part of the story, thus, we don’t get a clear idea of the story.
Even more unclear is the latter part: who’s going to be controlling society? The artificial humans? Why is that bad? Or does the CEO want control? Why? How’s that going to affect people?
Like I said, the ideas are presented but not the story. Tell us the basics of what happens in the first half. And proofread the apostrophes.