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ZordycepsLogliner
Johnny Bando, a Japanese Elvis impersonator, collides with Randy North, a small town sheriff tasked with modernizing his office and his band of tripper happy deputies.
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We don’t need names in a logline. Given that words are such a valuable commodity in logline terms, spending 4 on unnecessary information is simply a wasted opportunity. Imagine you only had 3 words to describe yourself. Would you tell me your name?
Who’s the protagonist? The Elvis impersonator or the sheriff? What has the fact he’s an Elvis impersonator got to do with the plot? What do they collide over? you’ve used quite a lot of words to tell us the sheriff is modernising his office but I have no idea why. Is it meant to be “trigger” happy?
Check out the formula page to help with formatting. A logline should be a concise summary of the plot up to the midpoint or beginning of the final act. Currently, I’m not sure what the plot currently is but I’m not sure it takes us out of Act I.
Telling us the Elvis impersonator is Japanese is interesting but we have no idea of the world in which the story is set. If it’s set in Japan… not as interesting. If you’re going to the length of including it in your logline, the reader must assume it’s relevant in some way to the plot. Setup and pay off. Is it a fish out of water story? In that case, be more specific – it’s a small town in the USA. If the fact he’s Japanese is actually irrelevant, then take it out altogether and tell us something that is relevant.
I like the notion of a cultural collision.
However, as mikepedley85 said about proper names and a clear-cut protagonist, etc.
Further, I don’t see a clear chain of cause and effect leading to a “High Noon” reckoning between the singer and sheriff.? I can see how they may collide culturally, but I fail to see how that devolves into a potentially lethal “law & order” fight.? What exactly does the singer do that provokes a “law & order” reaction from the sheriff?
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Although I like the names and get a sense of their personalities, I’d keep them out of the logline.? When I first read “modernizing his office” I thought of an interior design makeover.