Penpusher
Posted: 2018-03-14T13:00:33+10:00 In:

Judgement Day

An undercover Cop must work together with a drug dealing Shaman to stop an apocalyptic showdown between his Antichrist son and Jesus.

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    3 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      Whose son is the antichrist? I assume the cop; it’s a little unclear.
      Is undercover pertinent to the story? It doesn’t seem to be; you could remove it and the knowledge I have about the plot is identical. Also, use that word count to give us an idea of what the protagonist’s flaw, and therefore arc, is going to be.
      Why is the apocalypse happening now? What has caused it? (Your logline is missing the event that begins the story).
      Who is trying to stop them from preventing the showdown? (Is there an antagonist beyond the antichrist, or is he aware that his father is trying to stop him from fighting Jesus?)
      What must they do to prevent the showdown? (The nature of the action your protagonist takes is unclear)
      Why the Shaman specifically? (I get that the answer is ‘because that’s the story’ … but because you’ve made a point of it in the logline, my mind is trying to unpack the logic of it, and it doesn’t come through clean. I would consider dropping the Shaman from future iterations of the logline).

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    2. Singularity

      Agreed with Nicholas.

      There’s much about this that doesn’t seem to work in a cause and effect relationship. I’ll add that it’s a bit unclear how this premise allows for the genre, in other words, it doesn’t sound funny.

      Where is the humour going to come from?

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    3. Singularity

      As the others have said.

      And
      >>> to stop an apocalyptic showdown between his Antichrist son and Jesus.

      Obviously they have to fail.? Because the showdown is the one scene the audience would really want to see.? It’s the Obligatory Scene and to not deliver it would be anti-climactic, a real bummer.

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