Lena is a Demitto, the lowest, most oppressed race in Arcadia, considered only good enough to be a servant. Damien is an Elite, the highest and most powerful of races. Not only is he an Elite ? he is the Price of Arcadia and heir to the throne. When their paths cross an unlikely relationship begins that changes both of their lives, and challenges the way of life in Arcadia for all Demittos and Elites.

Well, there’s the issue that the logline, at 75 words, w-a-y too long. And then there is the issue that loglines usually introduce characters by their roles (only), not their names.

But it seems to me that the more fundamental issues are 1] a lack of clear, robust inciting incident; 2] A lack of a clear objective goal for the plot the inciting incident creates; and, 3] a lack of a clear impression of obstacles and jeopardy that threatens to bring their love to naught — factors that create dramatic suspense and tension.

1] “When their paths cross…” — what does that really mean? Do they fall in love? If so, say so — because that is far more compelling than merely “crossing paths”. If this is a love story bring their passion to the logline.

2] “..an unlikely relationship begins that changes both their lives.” Changes how? As a result of their “crossing paths” what becomes their mutual objective goal? When Romeo “crosses” paths with Juliet, they fall passionately in love and resolved to marry….

3]…despite the fact they are families engaged in a bitter and bloody feud –obstacles & jeopardy. What’s the jeopardy in “challenges the way of life in Arcadia…”?