At the Battle of Pyramids, when Napoleon cannons the face of the Sphinx, its stirred resident demon begins a journey of invisible revenge on his troops one by one until it finds him in his lonely island prison
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At the Battle of Pyramids, when Napoleon cannons the face of the Sphinx, its stirred resident demon begins a journey of invisible revenge on his troops one by one until it finds him in his lonely island prison
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The logline lacks the human factor, a person for the audience to empathize with and root for. Is there a good guy or gal in this story? ?Or do you expect the audience to root for the demon? ?Is the demon the protagonist?
Also, where’s the dramatic tension, the suspense in the premise? ?It seems to be a rigged match, ?powerful demon versus mere mortals. ?The fix is in: the ?plot seems to throw the match in favor of the demon from the git go. ?Where’s the ?suspense in that?
Also the logline buries the lead, the inciting incident (“cannons blast off the face of the Sphinx of Giza”) and has a spoiler, gives away the ending (“finally wasting him in his lonely island prison”) which is something a logline should never do.
fwiw
Agreed with DPG.
I’ll add that Napoleon’s death seems unrelated to the events that follow, and the cannons firing at the Sphinx seems out of place as well. I’m not sure who the MC is or what the story is so I can’t make any specific suggestions yet, I think best you structure the logline around a single character, inciting incident and goal.
On another note, it has been proven by several researchers that it wasn’t the french soldiers who broke the Sphinx, worth noting as it may be true or may not, who nose…
Name the demon and make it the protagonist possibly “demon name” is awoken by Napoleon’s cannons desecrating it’s crypt.? go with silently instead of invisible unless it is truly UNSEEN and are you talking about Napoleons exile, I wasn’t sure