Rework: As Galactic Police become victims in a series of murders, the frazzled Investigator must catch the contract killer and the secretive mastermind, to protect his own family.
RussellNSamurai
Rework: As Galactic Police become victims in a series of murders, the frazzled Investigator must catch the contract killer and the secretive mastermind, to protect his own family.
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“in order to protect” eliminates another comma stop/pause and helps flow.
The murder of two police officers force a frazzled investigator to pursue a contract killer across the galaxy.
Why I like this stripped version better is due to how much you have working for you here.
It’s really short for one. See dpg’s recent post about high concept logline lengths. This communicates danger, stakes (find a killer who has already killed) and settings.
It screams large. I don’t know, this is just something I would stop to see. I just feel like I know what this is about and what to expect, and that’s a good thing in getting your movie made.
This is version of the logline is an improvement. You’ve connected the inciting incident to the goal – cops are being murdered and he needs to catch the killer.
Not sure how his own family are at risk though. This also makes it seem as though he has two separate goals – to save the cops and save his family, but which of these is his primary goal?
One way to fix this is to specify that the cops and their families are being murdered, then the logical conclusion is that he needs to save the cops and his family.
What is the central story? There are three story lines but no central protagonist.