?A young mother?s life descends into chaos, when her husband talks her into helping him complete a job, as a contract killer, assassinating drug dealers, in the Philippines, but when a job goes wrong, and as a result, her husband is killed, and her children kidnapped, she will stop at nothing to meet revenge and save her kids.? ? SHABU by Judah Ray ?
Judah RayLogliner
?A young mother?s life descends into chaos, when her husband talks her into helping him complete a job, as a contract killer, assassinating drug dealers, in the Philippines, but when a job goes wrong, and as a result, her husband is killed, and her children kidnapped, she will stop at nothing to meet revenge and save her kids.? ? SHABU by Judah Ray ?
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While a logline should disclose the protagonist’s objective goal, it need not give away spoilers about the consequences of that goal, in this instance chaos. ?And in any event, the hook of the story is the not the chaos, but the character, the kind of woman would become a contract killer.
And what is the inciting incident, the event that constitute her “Call” to become a contract killer?
What specifically is it she wants? To simply work as an assassin is open ended, she could go on for years working as an assassin. What is it she is motivated to achieve by working as an assassin?
It’s okay. I get an idea of the story. You can do a “sell it don’t tell it” logline. But read the line without all the commas. ?Like to comma job.
The story is certainly topical, but now boil the plot down to its essence (in 40 words or less).
**Who is the protagonist?? A young Filipino mother.
**What is the inciting incident? Her husband is killed in a contract killing of a drug dealer and her children are kidnapped.
(Save the details for how she gets involved in his business for the script. ?Those details are irrelevant for the purpose of a logline. Getting involved in her husband’s business is the setup for the inciting incident. ?But it is not the inciting incident proper, ergo, doesn’t need to be mentioned in the logline. ?
(Why? ?Because:
– Loglines are a statement of the plot in 40 words or less (the ideal is 25 words) and throwing in the setup usually makes a logline too long.. ?In loglines, less is more.
– Hypothetically, she could get involved, and the execution goes off without a hitch. ?Her husband lives, her children are safe. ?Which ?sends the plot off in another direction, right?
What sends the plot off in the direction you intend is the death of her husband and the kidnapping of her children. ?Ergo, the setup is irrelevant to summarizing the plot for the purpose of a logline. ?What matters is the inciting incident, the event that directly, and immediately triggers the central dramatic problem and the protagonist’s goal.)
**As a result of the inciting incident what becomes her objective goal? ?Rescue her children (who are the stakes characters)
**What’s the urgency? ?IOW: ?what is the ticking clock? ?Like does she have only 24 hours to fulfill the kidnappers demands before they kill her children?
fwiw
What DPG wrote.
There are too many events and characters described in the latest draft of the logline.
Bellow is my attempt at simplifying the logline:
After her husband, a hit-man, is killed on the job, a mother of two must assume his identity to complete his contracts if she is to save her children.
It seems the logline is not, at all, portraying the story for what it is. Here is the synopsis, in hopes it clears up the story, and help people understand the logline I am trying to achieve.
SHABU
Synopsis:
Aimee is a young woman, living in a Philippine shantytown, with her husband and two young children. Her community, wrought with poverty, is in the throws of a terrible drug epidemic, centered around a powerful methamphetamine, known as Shabu. Her husband, Jeff Ryan, a retired American veteran, supports his family by working as a contract killer, assassinating drug dealers.
When a hit is ordered on a target, that only a woman can get close enough to take out, Jeff Ryan turns to the only woman he knows… his wife. Aimee, disgusted by the things that she sees happening in her community, agrees to perform the hit. After the job is finished, Aimee carries out an unsanctioned hit, taking out a ruthless drug dealer, whom she had repeatedly seen, brutalizing her helpless neighbor. This causes Aimee’s family to become the targets of a powerful criminal organization, bent on revenge, and the only way that she can save them, is to win, what will prove to be, the fight of her life.
Thank you all for your help and inspiration. I am listening to everyone’s input and trying to apply it to the logline.
Judah Ray